Update: Attention Whore

I haven't told anyone about this blog yet, aside from putting it on my facebook. But hell, nobody checks that anyway. Why not? Mostly because my previous post has become almost a dare to myself: How long can I go before I turn this diary into a sounding board? How long until I succumb to my attention whorishness?

I don't know how I feel about it. It would be nice if, say, Pat read this. Possibly even Shayne. Both of them could get a better sense of what I've been going through, and at least with Pat, give me feedback and words of encouragement. But I don't want to just text them, Hey, read my deepest personal thoughts!

After all, it is a diary first and foremost, and it is personal. Yet, I long for people to just understand me, so I don't get self-conscious. I worry when I tell people about myself that I slant the story to make me look better, and so I can't get accurate feedback. What if I acted like a douche? What if I am being a big baby? And yet, even when I do feel like I'm slanting it, I sometimes justify it by saying the broader truth is that while I might be exaggerating in order to make my feelings seem legitimate, if people knew where I was coming from I wouldn't have to exaggerate.

Like most of my dealings with the relationship between my feelings and my thoughts, it's complicated. But, I have digressed.

My main point is that perhaps, if my friends were reading this blog, where I somehow feel free to air all my anxieties, to give the unfiltered truth, I might be more confident in their opinions on my life. I would know they had a broader picture, that they knew where I was coming from. A girl dumping you doesn't seem like much, but instead of being forced to vilify her in order to justify my pain, I can explain more fully why I'm taking it so hard, and my friends can read and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." And I will know they truly are sorry, and that they know what I am going through, and instead of having to explain myself, I can simply say, "Thanks."

So maybe I'll show Pat next time I see her. Maybe I'll facebook message Shayne. (Maybe not.) Maybe I'll tell Steve and Spencer and Liz and everybody at New Year's. Make it causal. It would certainly be nice to get some feedback.