For some bizarre reason Rui's words have stuck with me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I see some of myself in him and visa-versa, but I really believed a lot of what he said.
So I've been reflecting alot lately. Or more accurately not reflecting.
I've been thinking lately that perhaps I have an attitude problem. I'm depressed, unbalanced, sure. That's why moods will randomly come over me. But lately I've been feeling merely OK with periods of depression, instead of great with periods of depression. Perhaps this is because I have a miserable attitude, because I'm focused on what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with me. I have passively accepted the fact that I'm depressed and miserable, instead of fighting it. Well, maybe it's time I transition into fighting this thing.
I had issues when I was at my peak, right after the Ned Lamont campaign. I was just over alot of it. I buried some of it, and had gotten over some of it. Maybe I should just bury some of these issues, ignore them and move on. This will calm me down, make me more relaxed and likable, and thereby address some of my feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance.
Am I in a place where I can say, fuck it, I'm alright, I'm in a good place, and it's time to just throw it all to the wind? It's weird. To say it's time to move on and get over it, to become happy sounds wrong. To say it's time to say fuck it sounds much more right. Because that's what it's about. I'm not moving on. I'm not getting over anything. I will still feel sad, still feel depressed, still miss Shayne. I just will stop investing so much of myself in these emotions. Instead of making my life about being depressed, I will make my life about work, travel, friends, prepping for school.
Is that healthy? Shayne brought these feelings up, encouraged me to address these deep-seated insecurities. And after having done so, what I'm proposing is to basically bury them again, unsolved. Or is it unrealistic to think I can solve these depressing thoughts, and instead better to just put them away and have them slowly fade? I don't know, I'll talk to the shrink tomorrow.
So maybe I just need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I just need to accept my situation, accept how I feel. Not fight it, but accept it, and begin to make the best of it. No, not even make the best of it, but choose to stop bemoaning and mourning my sorry life. It's not my sorry life, it's just my life, and I'm in a rough patch, but I'm getting over it, and good times are ahead.
So, let me give it a try. To say all this time, I just had a bad attitude might make me feel a little selfish, pathetic even. But it shouldn't. That's just the way it was. Accept it, don't bemoan it.
This might just work. I can tell even now that seeing or talking to Shayne would ruin this entirely, so sadly I can't do that. And my situation with women isn't going to improve anytime soon. But when you're looking for women, at best you get pussy. You find good girlfriends when you're not looking. So, I just need to be patient. Hopefully I'll find someone in the first semester at Macalester. But the nice thing is, that is far more likely to happen if I'm in a place where I don't need it to happen.
So, to all my readers out there, I'm sorry that this has been a rambling mess of a post. I might go back and edit it at some point. But I'm excited to talk to my doc about this. I hope he agrees. I think this might work.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Inferior Comebacks
Ok, so I'm actually going to try to tackle something today. Because I know a coworker of mine, Rui, might be reading this, this post is dedicated to him. He has inspired me to make this today's topic, and so the world shall revolve around him once more.
I'm a pussy. I'm a goddamn weak little pussy. I command zero respect from anyone. I have always failed in leadership positions because of this. People seem to think it's hilarious to make fun of me, and I've never really known why. Maybe it's because I don't fight back. I don't know, I've never been able to think on my feet like that. Many people (like Rui) enjoy going back and forth, topping each other's insults so that in the end both people end up feeling closer, laughing at eachother, knowing they've dealt as good as they got. Me, I've never been able to dish, only to awkwardly receive. Sometimes I don't know where the line is for people, and I'm afraid of crossing it. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to make fun of someone. Someone attacks me, and my reaction isn't to attack back, my reaction is first: What the hell? second: Fuck you, I'm just gonna get the hell outta here.
Maybe I am a bit effeminate. I don't know. I do know that in general, I feel unmanly way more than I feel manly. But I'm digressing slightly.
See, lets say someone decides to make fun of something awkward I said or did. Chances are good I realize that what just happened was embarrassing, and while you may think its all in good fun, I just want to get the hell past it. I've already kicked myself for doing the stupid thing, and you're just piling on. At the same time, you don't faze me at all, because chances are I've already thought the exact insult you just hurled.
So here's where it gets interesting. I just take it. I just sit there and say, yup, you're right, I'm a jackass, I'm a loser, I'm a pathetic single guy. Because while you may not mean it, I do. So I'll just sit there and say I'm sorry. God I hate that I say that so much. I'm sorry. But I don't know what else to say. I can't think of anything witty. I can't ignore it. If I try to say a comeback, chances are good I'll end up making a bigger fool of myself.
So I slowly get my self-esteem crushed. Or do I?
Is it the other way around? Is it my crushed self-esteem that leads to this? I think so. I think if I felt better about myself, people's words wouldn't affect me so much, and I'd be more willing to put myself out there and try to comeback. I wouldn't need to say I'm sorry so much, because I wouldn't feel like I did much of anything wrong. Right now there are times when my mere existence is something wrong that I want to apologize for. That wouldn't happen if I had more self-esteem.
So where did I get this idea that I'm so inferior to everybody? Why is it that everything I do needs apologizing for, that instead of fighting back I accept people's insults, even when made in jest? I wish I knew. I hate to say it started with Jackie's rejection, and actually come to think of it, while that greatly exacerbated things, this was a common thread throughout my life. I never hung out with the cooler kids. I have always felt inferior to others. There have always been people I've admired who have always been a whole universe away, people who's customs and traditions (like the whole comeback culture) seemed foreign and incomprehensible. In high school I never knew where the hung out, or what they did after school. In Jr. High and elementary school I barely talked to them, yet I wanted to be them. I know it's cliche, but it's true.
I think this is something I need to talk to my shrink about. I think this might be a bit much for the blog. I don't want to answer the question: Am I truly inferior? because I would probably have to say no, even if I feel otherwise. And I'm not sure how to start living my life acknowledging that fact. I know that I didn't feel inferior after Ned Lamont, and that I lost Shayne in large part because I slowly became meek and pathetic, slowly began to feel inferior.
So I guess the $64,000 question is: how do I go about not feeling so inferior? (BTW, I realize this is very close to asking how do I stop feeling depressed, but I almost feel like I can manage to stop feeling inferior, as opposed to just ending this depression.) (BTW, I think I've hit upon something very key to my depression, that it's all about a massive inferiority complex. The whole thing started when I got rejected from my top college choices, then had to listen to my friends talk about all the great colleges they got into while I had no idea what I was going to do, then Shayne and I started to unravel, then John Edwards went sour, then she broke up with me... it's all about feeling pathetic, a loser, inferior to others.)
The answer: I don't know. That's what I need to talk to my shrink about. Meds will help. But what I need to do is relearn how to assert myself. To stand up for myself. Instead of trying to sneak through each day, I need to seize each day.
I'm going to stop here. I've run out of real answers, at least ones I can express in words. I need to talk to my shrink about it. All I can say is that I've identified what aspect of my thought process is faulty, and I need to slowly change how I perceive myself, both individually and in comparison to others. It's a state of mind I need to achieve, and the first step is recognizing that I'm not inferior to others. Forget about feeling inferior because of Shayne for a bit, that's another subject to deal with that's just too difficult without alot of analysis. But as far as feeling inferior to everyone? You know, I used to worry alot about being too arrogant. Now I think I need to swing the other way. I went to a top notch prep school, I'm smart as hell, going to a great school next year, I've got a great computer repair gig, and yeah, my social life isn't great, but I have friends, and I just don't have time to see them much. I'm a damn hard worker, despite the fact that I call myself lazy all the time, and while this year may not have turned out how I wanted it to, I'm on track now and I'm gonna do some amazing things.
Like I said, I'll deal with the whole inferiority and women thing another time, but I need to begin to recognize that, while I'm not exactly pretty cool, I'm just fine, and there's nothing about others that makes them better than me. I do need to somehow integrate women into that, though. That'll be a major stumbling block otherwise.
I need to see my shrink soon.
I'm a pussy. I'm a goddamn weak little pussy. I command zero respect from anyone. I have always failed in leadership positions because of this. People seem to think it's hilarious to make fun of me, and I've never really known why. Maybe it's because I don't fight back. I don't know, I've never been able to think on my feet like that. Many people (like Rui) enjoy going back and forth, topping each other's insults so that in the end both people end up feeling closer, laughing at eachother, knowing they've dealt as good as they got. Me, I've never been able to dish, only to awkwardly receive. Sometimes I don't know where the line is for people, and I'm afraid of crossing it. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to make fun of someone. Someone attacks me, and my reaction isn't to attack back, my reaction is first: What the hell? second: Fuck you, I'm just gonna get the hell outta here.
Maybe I am a bit effeminate. I don't know. I do know that in general, I feel unmanly way more than I feel manly. But I'm digressing slightly.
See, lets say someone decides to make fun of something awkward I said or did. Chances are good I realize that what just happened was embarrassing, and while you may think its all in good fun, I just want to get the hell past it. I've already kicked myself for doing the stupid thing, and you're just piling on. At the same time, you don't faze me at all, because chances are I've already thought the exact insult you just hurled.
So here's where it gets interesting. I just take it. I just sit there and say, yup, you're right, I'm a jackass, I'm a loser, I'm a pathetic single guy. Because while you may not mean it, I do. So I'll just sit there and say I'm sorry. God I hate that I say that so much. I'm sorry. But I don't know what else to say. I can't think of anything witty. I can't ignore it. If I try to say a comeback, chances are good I'll end up making a bigger fool of myself.
So I slowly get my self-esteem crushed. Or do I?
Is it the other way around? Is it my crushed self-esteem that leads to this? I think so. I think if I felt better about myself, people's words wouldn't affect me so much, and I'd be more willing to put myself out there and try to comeback. I wouldn't need to say I'm sorry so much, because I wouldn't feel like I did much of anything wrong. Right now there are times when my mere existence is something wrong that I want to apologize for. That wouldn't happen if I had more self-esteem.
So where did I get this idea that I'm so inferior to everybody? Why is it that everything I do needs apologizing for, that instead of fighting back I accept people's insults, even when made in jest? I wish I knew. I hate to say it started with Jackie's rejection, and actually come to think of it, while that greatly exacerbated things, this was a common thread throughout my life. I never hung out with the cooler kids. I have always felt inferior to others. There have always been people I've admired who have always been a whole universe away, people who's customs and traditions (like the whole comeback culture) seemed foreign and incomprehensible. In high school I never knew where the hung out, or what they did after school. In Jr. High and elementary school I barely talked to them, yet I wanted to be them. I know it's cliche, but it's true.
I think this is something I need to talk to my shrink about. I think this might be a bit much for the blog. I don't want to answer the question: Am I truly inferior? because I would probably have to say no, even if I feel otherwise. And I'm not sure how to start living my life acknowledging that fact. I know that I didn't feel inferior after Ned Lamont, and that I lost Shayne in large part because I slowly became meek and pathetic, slowly began to feel inferior.
So I guess the $64,000 question is: how do I go about not feeling so inferior? (BTW, I realize this is very close to asking how do I stop feeling depressed, but I almost feel like I can manage to stop feeling inferior, as opposed to just ending this depression.) (BTW, I think I've hit upon something very key to my depression, that it's all about a massive inferiority complex. The whole thing started when I got rejected from my top college choices, then had to listen to my friends talk about all the great colleges they got into while I had no idea what I was going to do, then Shayne and I started to unravel, then John Edwards went sour, then she broke up with me... it's all about feeling pathetic, a loser, inferior to others.)
The answer: I don't know. That's what I need to talk to my shrink about. Meds will help. But what I need to do is relearn how to assert myself. To stand up for myself. Instead of trying to sneak through each day, I need to seize each day.
I'm going to stop here. I've run out of real answers, at least ones I can express in words. I need to talk to my shrink about it. All I can say is that I've identified what aspect of my thought process is faulty, and I need to slowly change how I perceive myself, both individually and in comparison to others. It's a state of mind I need to achieve, and the first step is recognizing that I'm not inferior to others. Forget about feeling inferior because of Shayne for a bit, that's another subject to deal with that's just too difficult without alot of analysis. But as far as feeling inferior to everyone? You know, I used to worry alot about being too arrogant. Now I think I need to swing the other way. I went to a top notch prep school, I'm smart as hell, going to a great school next year, I've got a great computer repair gig, and yeah, my social life isn't great, but I have friends, and I just don't have time to see them much. I'm a damn hard worker, despite the fact that I call myself lazy all the time, and while this year may not have turned out how I wanted it to, I'm on track now and I'm gonna do some amazing things.
Like I said, I'll deal with the whole inferiority and women thing another time, but I need to begin to recognize that, while I'm not exactly pretty cool, I'm just fine, and there's nothing about others that makes them better than me. I do need to somehow integrate women into that, though. That'll be a major stumbling block otherwise.
I need to see my shrink soon.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Remember? That whole depression thing?
So I seem to have a schedule now, and it involves staying up until two am every morning. Not healthy. I'm exhausted all the time now.
I miss having my friends around every day. I was talking with Jen tonight, and even Jen made me miss being at a school.
I miss having a girlfriend, or even someone to feel attractive around. I'm so goddamn fat, and I don't have the will to do anything about it. I've been thinking about Shayne alot lately, and about those girls I was flirting with at work. I wish I had put my number on their receipt or something. They wouldn't have called, but at least I would have tried. I wish more cute girls who seemed to enjoy being around me came by. I wish when the did I would stop trying to sell them stuff - selling is a mode, something you can't get out of.
I feel like I'm liked less and less at work. I don't know why. I'm late all the time, sometimes very late, and I work really hard. Lately I've been starting to get on people's cases about not working hard enough. Apparently some think I'm conceited too. Self-centered, maybe. I don't think I'm conceited though.
I miss being liked. I miss being loved. I feel so alone. I feel so damn sad. So... worthless.
It doesn't matter what I get for Christmas, none of the things I want are going to be under the tree.
God help me if this trip and/or Macalester doesn't fix any of this. If I find myself three months into Macalester feeling lonely, unliked, and unloved, I don't know what I'll do. I honestly don't know.
I miss having my friends around every day. I was talking with Jen tonight, and even Jen made me miss being at a school.
I miss having a girlfriend, or even someone to feel attractive around. I'm so goddamn fat, and I don't have the will to do anything about it. I've been thinking about Shayne alot lately, and about those girls I was flirting with at work. I wish I had put my number on their receipt or something. They wouldn't have called, but at least I would have tried. I wish more cute girls who seemed to enjoy being around me came by. I wish when the did I would stop trying to sell them stuff - selling is a mode, something you can't get out of.
I feel like I'm liked less and less at work. I don't know why. I'm late all the time, sometimes very late, and I work really hard. Lately I've been starting to get on people's cases about not working hard enough. Apparently some think I'm conceited too. Self-centered, maybe. I don't think I'm conceited though.
I miss being liked. I miss being loved. I feel so alone. I feel so damn sad. So... worthless.
It doesn't matter what I get for Christmas, none of the things I want are going to be under the tree.
God help me if this trip and/or Macalester doesn't fix any of this. If I find myself three months into Macalester feeling lonely, unliked, and unloved, I don't know what I'll do. I honestly don't know.
Monday, December 17, 2007
A short one for Mary Todd
So I can go back to enjoying my birthday. It's felt like just another day. I know all birthdays are like that, but today went by even more quickly than usual. Work was busy, I had an hour to myself. Tomorrow I only have my day job, no Teavana, so I think tomorrow will be better off. I'll go to a nice dinner, we'll grab the tree, all and all it'll be quite lovely. And I'm sure I'll be able to celebrate somehow once people get back. I don't know when or where, but we will. And if not? New year's will be enough. Hell, Steph will be there from what I understand. At least, she's coming home.
Mom got me a cook book, some Wallace and Gromit, and some stop-motion animated Christmas movies. The cook book is really cool, I can't wait to dig into it for Christmas dinner, and the Christmas movies will be good to put on while setting up the tree. I would have loved to have sat down with Shayne and watch the Wallace and Gromit, but I guess I can't. They'll be good college/travel fare, though.
Like I said, just a quick post tonight, I want to go to sleep, and I'm going to need to respond to all these facebook messages. No deep analysis tonight. So Happy Birthday to me. Woo.
Mom got me a cook book, some Wallace and Gromit, and some stop-motion animated Christmas movies. The cook book is really cool, I can't wait to dig into it for Christmas dinner, and the Christmas movies will be good to put on while setting up the tree. I would have loved to have sat down with Shayne and watch the Wallace and Gromit, but I guess I can't. They'll be good college/travel fare, though.
Like I said, just a quick post tonight, I want to go to sleep, and I'm going to need to respond to all these facebook messages. No deep analysis tonight. So Happy Birthday to me. Woo.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Update: Attention Whore
I haven't told anyone about this blog yet, aside from putting it on my facebook. But hell, nobody checks that anyway. Why not? Mostly because my previous post has become almost a dare to myself: How long can I go before I turn this diary into a sounding board? How long until I succumb to my attention whorishness?
I don't know how I feel about it. It would be nice if, say, Pat read this. Possibly even Shayne. Both of them could get a better sense of what I've been going through, and at least with Pat, give me feedback and words of encouragement. But I don't want to just text them, Hey, read my deepest personal thoughts!
After all, it is a diary first and foremost, and it is personal. Yet, I long for people to just understand me, so I don't get self-conscious. I worry when I tell people about myself that I slant the story to make me look better, and so I can't get accurate feedback. What if I acted like a douche? What if I am being a big baby? And yet, even when I do feel like I'm slanting it, I sometimes justify it by saying the broader truth is that while I might be exaggerating in order to make my feelings seem legitimate, if people knew where I was coming from I wouldn't have to exaggerate.
Like most of my dealings with the relationship between my feelings and my thoughts, it's complicated. But, I have digressed.
My main point is that perhaps, if my friends were reading this blog, where I somehow feel free to air all my anxieties, to give the unfiltered truth, I might be more confident in their opinions on my life. I would know they had a broader picture, that they knew where I was coming from. A girl dumping you doesn't seem like much, but instead of being forced to vilify her in order to justify my pain, I can explain more fully why I'm taking it so hard, and my friends can read and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." And I will know they truly are sorry, and that they know what I am going through, and instead of having to explain myself, I can simply say, "Thanks."
So maybe I'll show Pat next time I see her. Maybe I'll facebook message Shayne. (Maybe not.) Maybe I'll tell Steve and Spencer and Liz and everybody at New Year's. Make it causal. It would certainly be nice to get some feedback.
I don't know how I feel about it. It would be nice if, say, Pat read this. Possibly even Shayne. Both of them could get a better sense of what I've been going through, and at least with Pat, give me feedback and words of encouragement. But I don't want to just text them, Hey, read my deepest personal thoughts!
After all, it is a diary first and foremost, and it is personal. Yet, I long for people to just understand me, so I don't get self-conscious. I worry when I tell people about myself that I slant the story to make me look better, and so I can't get accurate feedback. What if I acted like a douche? What if I am being a big baby? And yet, even when I do feel like I'm slanting it, I sometimes justify it by saying the broader truth is that while I might be exaggerating in order to make my feelings seem legitimate, if people knew where I was coming from I wouldn't have to exaggerate.
Like most of my dealings with the relationship between my feelings and my thoughts, it's complicated. But, I have digressed.
My main point is that perhaps, if my friends were reading this blog, where I somehow feel free to air all my anxieties, to give the unfiltered truth, I might be more confident in their opinions on my life. I would know they had a broader picture, that they knew where I was coming from. A girl dumping you doesn't seem like much, but instead of being forced to vilify her in order to justify my pain, I can explain more fully why I'm taking it so hard, and my friends can read and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." And I will know they truly are sorry, and that they know what I am going through, and instead of having to explain myself, I can simply say, "Thanks."
So maybe I'll show Pat next time I see her. Maybe I'll facebook message Shayne. (Maybe not.) Maybe I'll tell Steve and Spencer and Liz and everybody at New Year's. Make it causal. It would certainly be nice to get some feedback.
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