And I don't feel any different.
I talked to Shayne today for the first time in weeks. I sent her a message on Facebook, saying I missed her at midnight, and I hoped she was having a good time. She said happy new year, hope you're feeling alright. Well I'm not.
As midnight approached, and my friends began to wear on me (we were playing Trivial Pursuit. Really? Trivial Pursuit?), I just began to feel miserable. Last year this time I was literally mid-coitus. Now I'm stuck here playing Trivial Pursuit, with no one to kiss. Shayne's probably at some party, hitting it off with some guy. Who knows who she kissed. I know I just hung my head, wanting to cry but unable to.
Why won't this heartache go away? Why can't I get better? Why won't this end?
Fuck the new year. True, there are good things planned (the trip, starting school), but they'll all go to shit just like all my other good things. The trip will be disappointing, I will have few friends at school. It all goes to shit, and I'll have a whole year of it in 2008. So fuck it. I just want all this to end.
Happy fucking new year. May yours go beter than mine.
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Well, sir, I happen to like trivial pursuit quite a lot :)
We can't all be mid-coitus at midnight, so I think it's important to find solace in the small things. Last night you were with people who loved and cared about you, safe and warm and well-fed on new year's eve. At that moment, accept that that is enough. Wouldn't we all like to be mid-coitus with someone we're in love with? Yeah. But life doesn't work that way. If you tell yourself that an event will suck, it will suck. Same if you build up an event to be a magical pill to feel happy, it won't work either.
You can't keep waiting for a magical event, or to wake up one morning and discover you are healed, or that Shayne has returned. Those things most likely aren't going to happen. You have to do what you can with what you have on hand.
And I know, I know, I know how incredibly hard it is to come to terms with the fact that having Shayne back is not the only thing that will make life magically revert to normal. Telling her over and over how shitty you feel will only push her further away and will not solve anything constructive. I'm guessing shayne DOES think about you, IS worried about you, but every kind word she gives you will bring you back to depending on HER for YOU to feel better. That happy new year message she sent you isn't what you wanted to hear, wasn't enough, and thus it only made you feel worse. It's best to just not contact her, as much as you might want to. I suspect your physchiatrist has told you this as well. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to.
You say you wish you had the help to get better. YOU DO! It is with your doctor, with the proper medication, with working on small things. With us, with your friends. Your phone is broken, but I sent you texts and merry christmas messages that bounced back. spencer and I called and sent you texts yesterday because we wanted to go to lunch and spend some time with you before steve's yesterday. He called me the night before, because he's been reading too, and said, I think joe really needs someone to go to lunch with, let's take him to lunch. So let's do that, next week. There are more people than you know who love and care for you, and it hurts me terribly to see you have such a negative outlook.
2008 WILL BE BETTER. It won't be better if you start it saying you will fail. Depression is healable. You will get better. You will get better. YOU WILL GET BETTER. All things must pass.
I challenge you, in addition to journaling your feelings, which is important, to pick another topic to write about as well. Fixating and fixating and writing over and over , "I feel bad. I miss shayne. I feel bad. I miss shayne." is cathartic in it's way, but it's also important to say, today, I'm going to write about what I think bhutto's death has done to pakistan. What's something you want to learn about? Research it, go to the library, and write about it. And listen to my cd. Pop it in and just listen to it through.
IM me when you're online, I didn't really want to say hey joe let's have a deep discussion in front of the trivial pursuit board.
we love you and care for you, joe, and want you here, feeling better and in a good place again. we're not going to abandon you. It's difficult to know what to say sometimes, but know that we all care, all want you here, all want you better.
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