Feeling Better

I'm beginning to feel better. Actually, alot better. That feeling I had driving up to Albany last Thursday? It's been sticking with me, to varying degrees. I'm still thinking about Shayne alot, but not obsessively, and more importantly not maddeningly. The thought of her excites me more than anything else. She's this cute girl who I think I might have a shot with, and I'm getting over all the history with her. I'm thinking about the future, and it looks good.

At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.

Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.

So, this situation poses a few questions.

Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.

My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.

Relatedly...

Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.

Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '

Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?

I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.

Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.

Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.