Attitude

For some bizarre reason Rui's words have stuck with me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I see some of myself in him and visa-versa, but I really believed a lot of what he said.

So I've been reflecting alot lately. Or more accurately not reflecting.

I've been thinking lately that perhaps I have an attitude problem. I'm depressed, unbalanced, sure. That's why moods will randomly come over me. But lately I've been feeling merely OK with periods of depression, instead of great with periods of depression. Perhaps this is because I have a miserable attitude, because I'm focused on what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with me. I have passively accepted the fact that I'm depressed and miserable, instead of fighting it. Well, maybe it's time I transition into fighting this thing.

I had issues when I was at my peak, right after the Ned Lamont campaign. I was just over alot of it. I buried some of it, and had gotten over some of it. Maybe I should just bury some of these issues, ignore them and move on. This will calm me down, make me more relaxed and likable, and thereby address some of my feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance.

Am I in a place where I can say, fuck it, I'm alright, I'm in a good place, and it's time to just throw it all to the wind? It's weird. To say it's time to move on and get over it, to become happy sounds wrong. To say it's time to say fuck it sounds much more right. Because that's what it's about. I'm not moving on. I'm not getting over anything. I will still feel sad, still feel depressed, still miss Shayne. I just will stop investing so much of myself in these emotions. Instead of making my life about being depressed, I will make my life about work, travel, friends, prepping for school.

Is that healthy? Shayne brought these feelings up, encouraged me to address these deep-seated insecurities. And after having done so, what I'm proposing is to basically bury them again, unsolved. Or is it unrealistic to think I can solve these depressing thoughts, and instead better to just put them away and have them slowly fade? I don't know, I'll talk to the shrink tomorrow.

So maybe I just need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I just need to accept my situation, accept how I feel. Not fight it, but accept it, and begin to make the best of it. No, not even make the best of it, but choose to stop bemoaning and mourning my sorry life. It's not my sorry life, it's just my life, and I'm in a rough patch, but I'm getting over it, and good times are ahead.

So, let me give it a try. To say all this time, I just had a bad attitude might make me feel a little selfish, pathetic even. But it shouldn't. That's just the way it was. Accept it, don't bemoan it.

This might just work. I can tell even now that seeing or talking to Shayne would ruin this entirely, so sadly I can't do that. And my situation with women isn't going to improve anytime soon. But when you're looking for women, at best you get pussy. You find good girlfriends when you're not looking. So, I just need to be patient. Hopefully I'll find someone in the first semester at Macalester. But the nice thing is, that is far more likely to happen if I'm in a place where I don't need it to happen.

So, to all my readers out there, I'm sorry that this has been a rambling mess of a post. I might go back and edit it at some point. But I'm excited to talk to my doc about this. I hope he agrees. I think this might work.