Sorry I've been breaking my one-post-a-night rule, but honestly, I haven't been compelled to write that much lately. I'm feeling much more... normal. Except for this whole Shayne thing. That's just frustrating me more than anything else. But aside from that, I've felt it much more important to sleep than vent. So, in that spirit, hopefully this will be a short post.
Now, about Shayne. It would be so much easier if I just said, Joe, it's pointless and stupid to be thinking about her. It's in the past, and you have a bright future with many perfectly satisfying women to look forward to.
And yet...
The way things ended really annoys me. I want a second chance. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I like myself, and I'm ready to stop working solely on making myself better. And above all else, it seems like I have a choice: I can choose to try and fail right now to get back the girl who could be "the one", or never speak to her again.
Right now, she's poised to forever be the one that got away. That magical girl who I somehow lost. If, however, we could part on amicable terms, with her even remembering why she loved me, maybe I could become her "one who got away" as well. Then, when I come back from college or something, I would still have a chance.
I'm afraid that the chances of this actually working are slim to none, and that I might just make myself sad again by doing this and getting rejected. Hell, she probably wants nothing to do with me at this point. But...
I can't do friendship. That would still just be too painful. So I have no reason to talk to her before I leave. And I doubt I'm going to be spending too much time at home over summer break (or at least I hope I won't). So we're talking four or five years before I even have another shot with Shayne. And chances are by then I will have lost track of her, or she'll be in Washington, or somewhere else entirely, and by then it'll be too late.
That's a really sad thought. I was serious when I told her I hoped we'd marry in ten years time. But I just don't see that happening. Not unless I remind her why she fell in love with me. Not unless I plant a seed of longing in her mind. Otherwise, I have to say goodbye forever, and I don't want to do that. She was, is, too special to allow that to happen.
Damn I'm in a tough place.
4 comments:
A. that fake it 'til you make it idea is something you should try
B. You think you're a little self-centered? Yeah, I would have to agree. Sorry. Get involved in something you care about - instead of waiting for the over-powering flow of affirmation and love from other people try doing something to deserve it - go volunteer or something - if you want to get involved in some sort of religion -join a religious youth group that focuses on social causes.
C. You're complaining that you feel the same, that you're still depressed - how do you expect to change any of that if you continue to do the same things? You work, see a shrink, see the same friends, obsess about the past, and run the same self-destructive thoughts through your head on a constant loop. Try something different. Join a group. Get a cause. Your happiness is probably more important than multiple dead end jobs so if work is getting in the way of a new experience than I think you need to reconsider your priorities. I realize that money is an issue but so is depression. You can make excuses all you want but the reason things are still sucky and the same for you is because you haven't changed anything and that's your job.
D. College is better. There's a lot of distraction.
Amen...I'm sick and tired of the self destructive 'woe as me' attitude. What's even worse is the obsessive musings on the past. It's good you've been feeling better lately, but that is NO REASON to live under the delution that Shayne is a possiblity. Move on. It's better for you. Would it make sense for an alcoholic to "try drinking" after a week of sobriety? I think not. Keep up the positive outlook and forget the tings that bring you down. it's better in the longrun.
OMG UPDATE
please update.
what is your life like now? how have things gone? how is college if you ended up going?
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