In My Defense

I did write one post about my trip to New Hampshire which didn't dwell on my mood. So there. Nyah.

Seriously, I want to respond to Liz's comment here, instead of emailing her or something, because she raised a few interesting points which I want to explore.

As far as Shayne goes, I have actually been pretty good about not talking to her, and I've been thinking about her less and less. I know we're never going to get back together, and the thought rarely crosses my head. I missed her at midnight last night, and I was lonely because the whole ball drop and everything reminded me of being with her at new years, when we were particularly sweet to eachother. But on the whole, getting back together with her is like becoming a CEO - something that could happen after college that would be really nice, but is very unlikely and I'm not even sure I want. Still, a guy can think wistfully about life as a CEO every now and again.

No, the reason I've gotten a little worse, and even bitchy in my comments - "oh, look at me, I'm sad and helpless" - is because I've gotten frustrated. I used to know that I was going to get better. Shayne would slowly fade, I would have a job and earn income and feel better about myself, I would keep myself busy and focus on the future, spend time with my friends and eventually get my life on track. The trip would follow, as would school, and bing! -- I'd be laughing and smiling and, aside from an occasional twinge of longing for Shayne, would be back to my old self. I'd find a girl, either abroad or at school, make friends, feel loved and on track in my life, and all would be well.

But none of that is happening. Sure, Shayne is fading (albeit painfully slowly), and I have my life on track to a certain extent. But still, inexplicably, I don't feel more self confident, I don't feel closer to being well. I'm a hell of alot better than I was before I had a job and was on pills, but the past few weeks or so have seen little progress. I feel mostly ok - not great, but ok - with occasional bouts of wanting to cry, or suicidal urges, or I-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-disappear urges. I will have vague notions of specific thoughts - Shayne, self-critisizing - but the predominant feeling is one of extreme hopelessness. I may think that I have no reason to be hopeless, but rarely do specific thoughts cross my mind during these moods. Emotion takes over. Then it passes, and I'm being entertained with my friends.

However at no time, ok mood or no, do I feel truly joyful, or loved, no matter how loved I am, or how joyful I should be. And I have no clue why. And the pills don't provide answers, and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a while, and won't until next friday, and I doubt he'll have any answers. So yes, the thought crosses my mind that maybe this is all there is for a while. If I build the trip or college to be these things that will fix everything, then they'll fix nothing. And I think I have to go into them feeling better than ok, and they will just ensure I don't fall back into feeling shitty. If that makes sense. It does in my head.

At any rate, that's why lately I've been down on my chances. And as far as going into the new year feeling down about the future, I have the highest hopes for this year. If there's going to be a year I get better, it's this one. Lots more changes to come, but I've gotten better at handling them. Besides, they're all pretty sweet changes. New countries, new people, new home, new lifestyle. But if there's one thing 2007 has taught me, it's that all too often seemingly good changes end up falling apart, leaving you sobbing in a corner. So, I'm cautious, doubtful even that my hopes are founded. And underneath it all is this randomly occuring feeling of complete hopelessness.

I know, those friends who are reading this, I know how tough this must be for you, as well as for me. You don't know how to help me? I don't know how you can help me. Your physical presence does help, as do your kind words. Really, the messages are some of the few things that make me feel better than ok during the day. I haven't felt as loved in months as when I read Liz's letter. But I have so little time, and so much work to do, and y'all are so far away most of the time. You aren't going to do it by yourselves, and the pills aren't doing anything, work is taking my mind off of things, but not actually improving anything, my doctor doesn't like me that much and is increasingly becoming useless, and my mom, bless her soul, has "I love you"'d herself into a corner. I've begun to take her unconditional love for granted.

So, despite all my support, I still feel lost and discouraged. And the fact that that sentence is true makes me feel a little pathetic. But it's how I feel. I don't know what to do about it, but it's how I feel.

I love you all. I really do.