Shayne

Sorry I've been breaking my one-post-a-night rule, but honestly, I haven't been compelled to write that much lately. I'm feeling much more... normal. Except for this whole Shayne thing. That's just frustrating me more than anything else. But aside from that, I've felt it much more important to sleep than vent. So, in that spirit, hopefully this will be a short post.

Now, about Shayne. It would be so much easier if I just said, Joe, it's pointless and stupid to be thinking about her. It's in the past, and you have a bright future with many perfectly satisfying women to look forward to.

And yet...

The way things ended really annoys me. I want a second chance. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I like myself, and I'm ready to stop working solely on making myself better. And above all else, it seems like I have a choice: I can choose to try and fail right now to get back the girl who could be "the one", or never speak to her again.

Right now, she's poised to forever be the one that got away. That magical girl who I somehow lost. If, however, we could part on amicable terms, with her even remembering why she loved me, maybe I could become her "one who got away" as well. Then, when I come back from college or something, I would still have a chance.

I'm afraid that the chances of this actually working are slim to none, and that I might just make myself sad again by doing this and getting rejected. Hell, she probably wants nothing to do with me at this point. But...

I can't do friendship. That would still just be too painful. So I have no reason to talk to her before I leave. And I doubt I'm going to be spending too much time at home over summer break (or at least I hope I won't). So we're talking four or five years before I even have another shot with Shayne. And chances are by then I will have lost track of her, or she'll be in Washington, or somewhere else entirely, and by then it'll be too late.

That's a really sad thought. I was serious when I told her I hoped we'd marry in ten years time. But I just don't see that happening. Not unless I remind her why she fell in love with me. Not unless I plant a seed of longing in her mind. Otherwise, I have to say goodbye forever, and I don't want to do that. She was, is, too special to allow that to happen.

Damn I'm in a tough place.

Am I ready?

Shayne's been on my mind alot lately, but in a good way. Maybe.

My newfound appreciation of life has left me feeling very much like I did before I became depressed, and lately I've been thinking "well, the only thing that's missing is Shayne!" For weeks whenever this question comes up, I've just said, "well, a few more weeks," but now I'm wondering if it really is a matter of a few weeks until I ask her.

Clearly things are much more complicated than that, but really, I've begun wondering if maybe I'm healthy enough to consider asking Shayne out on that "First Date: Redux" I proposed in some grief-stricken stupor a while back. Would I be ok if she rejected me? Is there any chance of it going well? What if she just wants to be friends again? What if my schedule gets in the way?

Sooo many questions, too few answers. That's why I really wanted to talk to my shrink, to talk to him about this.

She's been on my mind quite a bit, but it's no longer a torturous thought. Today I thought about her so much, I actually got sick with nervousness. I'm not sure that that's a sign that this isn't a good idea, however. When I think about her, I'm not thinking about the past anymore. I'm thinking about the future, about the potential that's there. I'm excited. I don't mourn anymore. Is it so bad to think about a person like this? After all, I would be so excited/nervous whenever I thought about Shayne in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's normal to be thinking about someone alot, and getting all worked up about someone, when you like them and you think there may be a shot?

Of course, there is the matter of time. I'm leaving in under two months now. We'd have a month, month and a half at best together, and even then my schedule's not that great. Would it be worth it? Would she think it would be worth it? I say, I wouldn't mind enjoying it while I can, but I'm not sure she'd want to get her heart broken again when I leave.

I can't wait to talk to Dr. Freedman about all this.

Feeling Better

I'm beginning to feel better. Actually, alot better. That feeling I had driving up to Albany last Thursday? It's been sticking with me, to varying degrees. I'm still thinking about Shayne alot, but not obsessively, and more importantly not maddeningly. The thought of her excites me more than anything else. She's this cute girl who I think I might have a shot with, and I'm getting over all the history with her. I'm thinking about the future, and it looks good.

At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.

Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.

So, this situation poses a few questions.

Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.

My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.

Relatedly...

Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.

Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '

Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?

I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.

Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.

Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.

I'm stuck on you

Shayne sent me a Facebook message today. She was apparently pissed that I said I was disappointed I wasn't "fucking Shayne." That's fair I guess. I'm sorry. I get crude to depersonalize things, to make it seem less important than it really was.

But as a result, all day she's been in the back of my mind. The thought that she still, months later, reads this blog -- well, it's kinda weird. A little exciting, a little off-putting. I really wish I could get this girl out of my head. Time isn't really working that well.

Jennings' new girl looks and seems just like Shayne. It pisses me off that he gets to start a relationship like that, while I'm trying to get over one. And nothing is really working.

No longer does she drive me crazy, exactly. The thought of her loss and what we could have had doesn't bother me that much anymore. She's more like a song that's stuck in my head. I see something, I think of her. I hear something, I think of her. I can go for hours without thinking of her, but rarely do I go a day without imagining what she would think of some joke I thought up, or how she loved penguins, or how she would call me baby.

It's not obsessive like it used to be. Recently I've even gained the self control to actively attempt to stop thinking about her when she pops into my head. It rarely works though.

This is why I stopped talking to her. If we were still talking, these thoughts would be so much more difficult to control.

Maybe I'll call her mom when I get my phone (with its contacts list) back. Just to see how she's doing. I miss her, alot. I try hard not to, but it seems I can't control it, and I don't know how to curtail it. It's frustrating how much I miss her. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. Right now it's worse.

Maybe just knowing how she's doing will help alleviate this distress. Who am I kidding, no it won't. Hell, maybe I'll just give in this once, just because. Besides, I miss her mom too. She was really sweet to me, like a second mom. I could use her advice right about now.

High Pressure Area Moving in From Canada

I don't want to give Rui credit for turning me around, but ever since he talked to me, and I thought about what he said, and I talked about my thoughts with my psychologist, I've been feeling alot better. More... comfortable with myself, and my situation in life. It's hardly an ideal situation, but it's not an awful one either. Truth be told, I have alot going for me.

Today was really nice. I got to sleep in, which made my life feel so much better. I think I might try to get to bed by one each night, instead of two, so that I can feel this good all the time. When I got to work, I sampled for forty five minutes straight. Normally I'm ready to collapse after ten minutes. Then, after my break, I just got really aggressive in my sales. I broke through, and instead of just showing people product, I began to actually sell to them. And the whole time I felt good about myself. I was laughing and joking around with my coworkers, and while I may have been quiet compared to some of them, compared to how silent I normally am I felt like I was just one of the gang. It felt good.

And then I went out for dinner with friends, and felt accepted. I enjoyed being with them, I enjoyed talking with them, joking around with them. I wasn't sad at all (except when the conversation turned to how Shayne and I broke up, of course).

The best part of today? I actually felt joy every now and then, something I have missed a great deal these long months.

It got me thinking in the past hour or so that maybe I should see if I could tolerate being around Shayne. Who knows, maybe I could reignite something. But I need to keep my head on straight about this. That will not happen. It simply wouldn't work. I feel stronger than I have in months, and I can't risk slipping up again. I've made too much progress. In a few weeks? Maybe. But a few days of happiness does not a recovery make.

I've gone from hurricanes to thunderclouds to grey skies, and finally, finally, I can see the sun shining through the clouds. It's still cloudy, but it looks like there's a lull in the storm; I can't tell exactly, but it may be passing. God I hope so.

So you do exist!

As of half an hour ago, I have two readers. Hi! I guess people did see that link I put on facebook. I haven't told anyone else. Feel free to comment, by the way. Text messages and facebook messages are kind of antithetical to the whole idea of a blog. That's why the comment section is there.

That said, turns out Shayne is reading this thing. I'm saving a post on her for another day (and it will be a doozy, but in the meantime I don't know exactly how I feel about that. Well, that's not true. I'm ok with it -- hell, I'm a little flattered -- just so long as this doesn't promote dialogue. This blog serves just a few purposes.

Primarily, it is my diary. My personal diary. I am writing here in order to explore a few facets of my life without burdening you all, because whether or not you're too polite to say it, you know I am.

Secondarily, because I know I'm shitty at staying in touch with people, it is a way for people who care about me to see what I am up to. Obviously, that's mostly going to be how I'm handling my craziness, but if people want to know, "Hey, how's Joe doing? I know he wasn't feeling too good," they'll be able to find out whatever's been bothering me lately.

Lastly, if any of those people want to give me words of encouragement, or advice, even if it's a simple, "That sucks, man. Don't worry, things will turn around," they'd write it in the comments. I'd really appreciate it, actually. Right now I have to fight so hard for happiness, any little unexpected thing just brightens my mood, even if only for five minutes.

So back to Shayne (as always). I kinda like that she's reading the blog: it's a way for her/us to keep in touch while still allowing me to move on. But I hope she doesn't comment. I don't know how I'd react. Honestly, I'm trying so hard to get my mind in a place where she isn't so important to me, and the best way to do that is to pretend she doesn't exist. It's hard when I keep getting reminders that she does exist.

So apparently she's still checking my Facebook. I only do that when I'm pining for someone. Again, I'm going to go into us in more detail in the future, but I have rarely, if ever, considered this breakup from her point of view. Mostly because I get such mixed signals, I'm afraid I can't figure it out. My best guess, though, is that she feels like she has to do this, because she sees the person she fell in love with in me, but knows that I'm not that person anymore. I'm sadder, I'm depressed. And that it's hurt her as much (well, nearly) as it's hurt me, and that she wishes she could have the old me back. So she's still facebook stalking me, even though she refuses to give me another shot.

See, this is why I don't think about this so much. It's just such a miserable situation, where nobody's happy. I'm not happy. I just want the whole damn thing to go away. It's christmas, I would be thinking up some cool present. Hell, I even have one picked out (Paris, Je T'aime). But I've gotten better at not getting caught up in could-have-beens. Keeping myself busy with two jobs is wearing me down, but at least it's doing a good job of distracting me.

So to all my readers out there, I'm going to pretend like you don't exist, but write every now again. Unless you're Shayne. In which case, don't write. Truth be told Shayne, it's hard to pretend like you're not going to read this. I wouldn't have included the present otherwise. Don't worry, I know I can't give it to you, but it's the thought that counts, right? I don't know. At any rate, I promise to never write specifically to you, or anyone else in a post again, but it's too hard not to.

I'm exhausted

I had to go home early from a friend's party tonight. I had worked with Brendan on the Ned Lamont campaign, the highlight of my life. I didn't know a soul there outside of Brendan and a frequent Lamont volunteer. I couldn't drink, thanks to my antidepressants and my car, so all there was to enjoy was ham. It was good ham, but still. After a nine hour day, I could barely stand up straight, much less deal with a party. I spent only forty-five minutes there, most of the time in the bathroom. I couldn't deal... I mean, why bother? These people don't know me. They have no clue about my life. What am I supposed to talk to them about? How can I possibly relate to these people? Instead I seem boring and dull. I'm supposed to be having a good time, someone I respect and care about invited me with good will, and instead I'm sitting here wondering why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do.

So I went home.

The weird thing was, Shayne ruined it and she wasn't even there. I wasn't going to go. I was going to go home and lie down, like I had wanted to do since about four o'clock. But then Shayne texted me around seven. She wanted to let me know that she wasn't going to Brendan's party, so if I wanted to go, it would be ok. I decided, sure, I need to get out, see friendly faces. But even that innocuous text was enough to get me going. The entire rest of the night, my mood plunged. I felt awful. Not over anything in particular, mind you. If I had to pin it on something, I'd say the fact that I was feeling ok when I texted her back, and the normalcy of that brief conversation with her, reminded me of better times. And of course, combined with how I had thought of her all day, each time a girl walked by with a Victoria Secret's bag (the only girl I've ever seen sexy underwear on), or every time I saw a beautiful girl, or brushed against some sweet girl's hand when giving them a sample cup... each slightest bit of affection reminded me of her.

So I wish she'd stop talking to me. Maybe I would have kept a decent mood, gone home, and simply gone to bed. I'd certainly feel much better right now.