I'm exhausted

I had to go home early from a friend's party tonight. I had worked with Brendan on the Ned Lamont campaign, the highlight of my life. I didn't know a soul there outside of Brendan and a frequent Lamont volunteer. I couldn't drink, thanks to my antidepressants and my car, so all there was to enjoy was ham. It was good ham, but still. After a nine hour day, I could barely stand up straight, much less deal with a party. I spent only forty-five minutes there, most of the time in the bathroom. I couldn't deal... I mean, why bother? These people don't know me. They have no clue about my life. What am I supposed to talk to them about? How can I possibly relate to these people? Instead I seem boring and dull. I'm supposed to be having a good time, someone I respect and care about invited me with good will, and instead I'm sitting here wondering why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do.

So I went home.

The weird thing was, Shayne ruined it and she wasn't even there. I wasn't going to go. I was going to go home and lie down, like I had wanted to do since about four o'clock. But then Shayne texted me around seven. She wanted to let me know that she wasn't going to Brendan's party, so if I wanted to go, it would be ok. I decided, sure, I need to get out, see friendly faces. But even that innocuous text was enough to get me going. The entire rest of the night, my mood plunged. I felt awful. Not over anything in particular, mind you. If I had to pin it on something, I'd say the fact that I was feeling ok when I texted her back, and the normalcy of that brief conversation with her, reminded me of better times. And of course, combined with how I had thought of her all day, each time a girl walked by with a Victoria Secret's bag (the only girl I've ever seen sexy underwear on), or every time I saw a beautiful girl, or brushed against some sweet girl's hand when giving them a sample cup... each slightest bit of affection reminded me of her.

So I wish she'd stop talking to me. Maybe I would have kept a decent mood, gone home, and simply gone to bed. I'd certainly feel much better right now.