Shrinkage

So I left my laptop at work yesterday, and was just a little too lazy to write a post on my desktop. It was odd, I had this sudden realization: "Oh my god, I didn't write tonight... jesus." I'm not sure how to put into words this feeling of sudden loss. I felt an attachment break. It was bizarre. I'm glad I'm writing tonight, though there isn't much to write about.

I don't think my shrink likes me very much. Ugh. I realize I'm fairly repetitive, and not exactly an interesting case, and I'm late all the time, but come on. You're being paid to fake it, at least.

He never has any real advice. Just that Shayne's something I'll get over, I'll feel better once I go on my trip, keep taking the pills, keep seeing him. In the beginning he was great, in a generalized way. He told me to find something I can take meaning from, that I put all my self worth into what the opposite sex thinks of me, instead of what I think of me. That because my parents haven't been in love since as long as I can remember, I have no real model relationship to see what two people in love do. I've had to take off of TV, where everything's perfect and romantic, and life isn't that way. He helped me see that I don't connect with my friends very well because I talk to my mom about everything, and so I don't know how to talk with guys about my problems, and as far as my female friends go, I worry about dumping too much on them. Only a girlfriend does the trick.

Great stuff, right? Well, this blog has been the only good thing he's suggested in the past few sessions. I'm really starting to wonder if he's just getting annoyed and bored with my lack of progress. I know I am.

I hope he reads this blog. Not necessarily this post, but all the others. Maybe he can think of a few good things to tell me, things that will actually help me see things in a new light, things that will help me move on.

Shayne will never forgive me for not listening to her about my depression. My refusing to take pills. My sticking with my first psychiatrist for two months, when his method wasn't working at all. I want this to work, but it's hard, because I don't know what good psychiatry is. Should I feel better? How soon? How much better can I expect? Should we be friends? Partners? Co-workers? What method works best for me? What should I talk about? Should I go from subject to subject, or explore in depth one particular subject? What does it mean to "explore" a subject? What is that supposed to do for me?

I don't know. I worry I'm just repeating the same mistakes from nine months ago.