Family

So I think I'll do something besides bitch about how tired I am when it's my own damn fault, or about how sad and lonely and pathetic and miserable I am.

I went down to see my cousins in Philly today. God damn they're a nice bunch. Loving, as always. Aunt Patty probably thinks I'm going to hell, (they're born-agains), but god damn do they love me. Nicest homophobes you'll ever meet. It was so refreshing to have a sense of family, if only for a few hours. I have my mom, and kind of my dad, but one of the things I loved about being with Shayne was how I became part of her family. I could go to her mom with problems, I was always welcome at her house.

And I was so jealous of her family. True, she was constantly stressed out because of one family issue or another, but she had literally dozens of people who loved her unconditionally, and would never intentionally harm her. I have one. I know, I know, some people out there have none, but damn if I feel like hearing the same damn advice over and over again just isn't quite enough. Shayne had this circle of people to rely on, and I felt so alone once she left me.

So today was refreshing, in that sense. Dad was a little distant and buisness-like, as he has been lately. I'd guess it's a combo of Pearl's influence and that he's probably a little hurt I haven't made time to see him lately, but whatever. Honestly, I don't think about him too much. What did bother me was all the travelling. I really wish, for once, I could sit down and rest. I was really looking forward to doing that yesterday. Instead, I had to spend two days getting up and going everywhere. I wish I could just relax. But nope, gotta keep on working so I can travel.

That's what I'm really missing - some kind of social support, people I trust who see me, who are there for me. Everybody I trust is away, it's hard. I need to spend three days with a friend, I need to spend a few weeks with buddies and family, I need to know I'm not alone. The digital age is nice, but it doesn't compensate for a good hug and a smile from your uncle.

Now, I know I made a promise, but I just have to let it out: Goddamn. This BLOWS. I feel so awful. Just a sinking feeling, an meek feeling, sadness and helplessness. I like the meditation idea, but I don't really know how to go about it. Why won't this go away? It's been months, nine since the start, three since Shayne, and yet it won't end, and the thought of not having Shayne still makes me feel awful. The only improvement has been my getting better at not thinking about her, and how I'm now earning money. Great. I still feel like shit. I hope my doctor can help. Oh, right, I'm not seeing him for weeks, and he doesn't like me.

Night. Here's to feeling rested tomorrow (I can't hope for feeling better).