Scared

I don't really feel like writing tonight. I got a call from the car insurance folks. I hit this jackass a few days ago, no damage done to either car, but apparently he's claiming injury. Bullshit. And then this lady I had hit a few days before that came back with a $3200 estimate for the damage. I had said I would pay for any damage instead of getting the insurance involved.

So I was freaking out that I would have to postpone/cancel my trip, and even though I've calmed down now, I'm still kinda on edge. I know now that my insurance will take care of it, and my premiums will go up but my parents will handle it, and while that may be a bit emasculating, it's better than paying for everything. But it's still a great example of the disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions.

Yesterday night I felt like my life was back on track for the first time in months, and in a flash it seemed like it was all taken away. Suddenly everything was all wrong. I was so damn scared, I didn't know what to do. Today was supposed to be a day to celebrate -- my birthday, my life getting back on track. I was gonna go out to a nice dinner, then have some cake. Instead I shivered in the fetal position in my room, or did mindless shit like TV or computer games just to distract my mind.

It's days like today that I wish I had Shayne. One kiss from her and all this would go away. That's all I want. I just want It All to go away.