It's Not Really a Wonderful Life

First of all, Merry Christmas. I've stopped thinking anybody's out there, but just in case someone stumbles on this later on.

So every year we watch It's a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve, a great film. This time the ending hit me differently. Seeing old George Bailey, and how he's affected so many lives, and how when he's down on his luck, when he's not feeling great, people are there to help him out, it wasn't heartwarming. All I could think about was how now that I'm in a similar position, there's no one there for me. Sure, there are people who think I'm a nice guy, who don't want to see me suffer. But, and tell me if I'm wrong, there's no one there who honestly cares about me. Aside from my parents, there's no wife and kids to come home to, nobody I'd miss desperately if I was dead, nobody who's life would be particularly altered if I wasn't around. I've been so tangential to so many lives, it's pointless.

I cried when I got to bed tonight. Great heaving sobs of desperation and defeatism. Hopelessness. Despair.

If there's anybody reading this, drop me a line. Just to say Merry Christmas. I wouldn't mind talking about this stuff too, in fact I'd really appreciate it, but if you're not comfortable, just saying hey, read that post, just wanted to say Merry Christmas would mean a hell of a lot to me right now. Even if you're name is Shayne. I just need to know there's someone, anyone out there. I'm tearing up right now as I'm reading this. I'm pretty fucking lonely, and pretty fucked up, and I don't know how or why, or when it will end. Or what to do afterwards to ensure it doesn't come back.

Just drop me a line. (crying) I'm begging you, I just need a caring voice right now. Text, IM, facebook, phone, whatever. Please.

Merry Christmas.