Remember? That whole depression thing?

So I seem to have a schedule now, and it involves staying up until two am every morning. Not healthy. I'm exhausted all the time now.

I miss having my friends around every day. I was talking with Jen tonight, and even Jen made me miss being at a school.

I miss having a girlfriend, or even someone to feel attractive around. I'm so goddamn fat, and I don't have the will to do anything about it. I've been thinking about Shayne alot lately, and about those girls I was flirting with at work. I wish I had put my number on their receipt or something. They wouldn't have called, but at least I would have tried. I wish more cute girls who seemed to enjoy being around me came by. I wish when the did I would stop trying to sell them stuff - selling is a mode, something you can't get out of.

I feel like I'm liked less and less at work. I don't know why. I'm late all the time, sometimes very late, and I work really hard. Lately I've been starting to get on people's cases about not working hard enough. Apparently some think I'm conceited too. Self-centered, maybe. I don't think I'm conceited though.

I miss being liked. I miss being loved. I feel so alone. I feel so damn sad. So... worthless.

It doesn't matter what I get for Christmas, none of the things I want are going to be under the tree.

God help me if this trip and/or Macalester doesn't fix any of this. If I find myself three months into Macalester feeling lonely, unliked, and unloved, I don't know what I'll do. I honestly don't know.