Ok, so I'm actually going to try to tackle something today. Because I know a coworker of mine, Rui, might be reading this, this post is dedicated to him. He has inspired me to make this today's topic, and so the world shall revolve around him once more.
I'm a pussy. I'm a goddamn weak little pussy. I command zero respect from anyone. I have always failed in leadership positions because of this. People seem to think it's hilarious to make fun of me, and I've never really known why. Maybe it's because I don't fight back. I don't know, I've never been able to think on my feet like that. Many people (like Rui) enjoy going back and forth, topping each other's insults so that in the end both people end up feeling closer, laughing at eachother, knowing they've dealt as good as they got. Me, I've never been able to dish, only to awkwardly receive. Sometimes I don't know where the line is for people, and I'm afraid of crossing it. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to make fun of someone. Someone attacks me, and my reaction isn't to attack back, my reaction is first: What the hell? second: Fuck you, I'm just gonna get the hell outta here.
Maybe I am a bit effeminate. I don't know. I do know that in general, I feel unmanly way more than I feel manly. But I'm digressing slightly.
See, lets say someone decides to make fun of something awkward I said or did. Chances are good I realize that what just happened was embarrassing, and while you may think its all in good fun, I just want to get the hell past it. I've already kicked myself for doing the stupid thing, and you're just piling on. At the same time, you don't faze me at all, because chances are I've already thought the exact insult you just hurled.
So here's where it gets interesting. I just take it. I just sit there and say, yup, you're right, I'm a jackass, I'm a loser, I'm a pathetic single guy. Because while you may not mean it, I do. So I'll just sit there and say I'm sorry. God I hate that I say that so much. I'm sorry. But I don't know what else to say. I can't think of anything witty. I can't ignore it. If I try to say a comeback, chances are good I'll end up making a bigger fool of myself.
So I slowly get my self-esteem crushed. Or do I?
Is it the other way around? Is it my crushed self-esteem that leads to this? I think so. I think if I felt better about myself, people's words wouldn't affect me so much, and I'd be more willing to put myself out there and try to comeback. I wouldn't need to say I'm sorry so much, because I wouldn't feel like I did much of anything wrong. Right now there are times when my mere existence is something wrong that I want to apologize for. That wouldn't happen if I had more self-esteem.
So where did I get this idea that I'm so inferior to everybody? Why is it that everything I do needs apologizing for, that instead of fighting back I accept people's insults, even when made in jest? I wish I knew. I hate to say it started with Jackie's rejection, and actually come to think of it, while that greatly exacerbated things, this was a common thread throughout my life. I never hung out with the cooler kids. I have always felt inferior to others. There have always been people I've admired who have always been a whole universe away, people who's customs and traditions (like the whole comeback culture) seemed foreign and incomprehensible. In high school I never knew where the hung out, or what they did after school. In Jr. High and elementary school I barely talked to them, yet I wanted to be them. I know it's cliche, but it's true.
I think this is something I need to talk to my shrink about. I think this might be a bit much for the blog. I don't want to answer the question: Am I truly inferior? because I would probably have to say no, even if I feel otherwise. And I'm not sure how to start living my life acknowledging that fact. I know that I didn't feel inferior after Ned Lamont, and that I lost Shayne in large part because I slowly became meek and pathetic, slowly began to feel inferior.
So I guess the $64,000 question is: how do I go about not feeling so inferior? (BTW, I realize this is very close to asking how do I stop feeling depressed, but I almost feel like I can manage to stop feeling inferior, as opposed to just ending this depression.) (BTW, I think I've hit upon something very key to my depression, that it's all about a massive inferiority complex. The whole thing started when I got rejected from my top college choices, then had to listen to my friends talk about all the great colleges they got into while I had no idea what I was going to do, then Shayne and I started to unravel, then John Edwards went sour, then she broke up with me... it's all about feeling pathetic, a loser, inferior to others.)
The answer: I don't know. That's what I need to talk to my shrink about. Meds will help. But what I need to do is relearn how to assert myself. To stand up for myself. Instead of trying to sneak through each day, I need to seize each day.
I'm going to stop here. I've run out of real answers, at least ones I can express in words. I need to talk to my shrink about it. All I can say is that I've identified what aspect of my thought process is faulty, and I need to slowly change how I perceive myself, both individually and in comparison to others. It's a state of mind I need to achieve, and the first step is recognizing that I'm not inferior to others. Forget about feeling inferior because of Shayne for a bit, that's another subject to deal with that's just too difficult without alot of analysis. But as far as feeling inferior to everyone? You know, I used to worry alot about being too arrogant. Now I think I need to swing the other way. I went to a top notch prep school, I'm smart as hell, going to a great school next year, I've got a great computer repair gig, and yeah, my social life isn't great, but I have friends, and I just don't have time to see them much. I'm a damn hard worker, despite the fact that I call myself lazy all the time, and while this year may not have turned out how I wanted it to, I'm on track now and I'm gonna do some amazing things.
Like I said, I'll deal with the whole inferiority and women thing another time, but I need to begin to recognize that, while I'm not exactly pretty cool, I'm just fine, and there's nothing about others that makes them better than me. I do need to somehow integrate women into that, though. That'll be a major stumbling block otherwise.
I need to see my shrink soon.
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1 comment:
poke-ity poke poke from a lizzle :)
I thought I would add a few thoughts. I wish I could come visit you at teavana, but I have a broken car and have barely made it out of the house as it is. but I'll see you new years.
so, I can certainly identify (to some extent) to your Shayne issues, and I'm trying to think of the best advice to give, ie, what makes me feel better when I start to feel shitty about past relationships (and I have a whole other set of issues to go along with that, but that's for another day.) what makes me feel at peace, just sitting by myself, not in the company of others or actively doing a job?
a few things. you said you're exploring religion, and I suppose I have been doing the same thing, for a few years now, or at least since I officially gave up on whatever slanted grasp of christianity I had.
I have been to a few official sessions of, and just listen to and practice in my head, kirtan, which is hindu devotional chanting, which I was introduced to through the music of Krishna Das. I'll make you a CD and bring it along to new years. it sounds dumb, but Krishna Das himself says that when he chants he is not thinking about the gods in question, but just knows that kirtan gives one a good feeling, which it certainly does for me. the theory is that by call-and-response chanting of gods names, it brings you closer to the divine. if you're in a room of 200 people, it's an incredibly powerful thing. I'll direct you to this for now, so you can sorta see what I mean: http://youtube.com/watch?v=XZSOUX1xyWo. just watch it the whole way through. KD is a wonderful man regardless. I'm planning to go see him March 8 in stockbridge, so if you're interested, you're welcome to come along.
been listening to a lot of matisyahu as well lately, but I think that I already told you about that.
I guess kirtan branched from my practicing of ashtanga yoga, which I've been doing for almost 5 years, and I would also recommend, but it's a physical practice that not everyone likes.
the work I do with the high school students for robotics (and by extension a lot of high school students in urban boston) is very rewarding. enough so that this year I finally cemented my after-college goal of going into education, and am working on hopefully doing an education internship in the boston school system this summer. politics can be incredibly rewarding, but incredibly heartbreaking (as you well know.) children are ALWAYS rewarding.
these are all things that one can do independently, that don't require love and attention from outsiders. I suppose it is trite, but there will always be gaps in love and attention from others in one's life (unless one is very blessed indeed) so one must learn to find comfort and serenity from within and without while alone.
and know that we all love you very much, joe. even if I can't drive over give you a hug every afternoon, I certainly do think about you often. see you monday, and I am bringing you a a bag of goodies to send you into 2008 on a hopeful note.
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