Paranoia

A quick one. But related to the post below, more and more I find people seem to be holding things back from me. A coworker will just not talk to me, and I wonder what she's thinking. She's clearly biting her tongue about something, but she just says she's tired and wants to go home. My dad seems somewhere else during dinner, and I wonder just where that somewhere else could be, and why he just says he's tired.

Not everyone is so damn tired. Sometimes I just want to grab people, throw them up against the wall, and yell, "What the FUCK are you hiding? Why do you hate me?"

Obviously that's not socially acceptable. But I wonder whether this is a legitimate vibe I'm getting, or paranoia related to... the depression? the pills? just general mental illness?

What I do know is that this is an illness. I am NOT well. My thought processes are very askew, and my emotions rage, straining at whatever tether I can fashion from the ragged remains of my reasoning process. And so I can't trust my own thoughts. Maybe people aren't hiding things from me. But I know how much I hide. And the fact that I don't know drives me crazy.

What does he/she really think of me? Of how I treat them? Of my illness? Are they sick of me? Am I losing touch with them? Do they hate me?

Is it because I see so much to hate in myself that I think everybody hates me?

That's not healthy, is it?

I don't know anymore. I'm damn tired of always trying to figure it out though. Imagine these blog posts, but they're going through my head 24/7. For the past nine months. It's enough to drive anyone insane. And I think, slowly but surely, I'm losing my grip on reality. I don't know what to do.

So drink to my health! To my birthday! To Christmas! To the New Year! To my trip! To Macalester!

Because if none of those things make me happy, I don't know what I will do. Probably harm myself in some way. And so far the first three don't look good.