The weirdest thing about being depressed is how suddenly it can take hold of you. Coming home from work today, I was fine. Not great, but not too bad. Just wanting to get home, mostly. Then I got in the car, started off, and this sinking black feeling just spread, from my heart, through my arteries and throughout my body. The corners of my mouth slid downwards. Vague notions of Shayne and longing went through my head, but only in the vaguest sense.
This is why my first psychiatrist failed. His whole approach was that I need to start thinking positively, that if I stopped thinking about how single I am and turned that into how liberated I am, then I'd stop being depressed. Except I don't have to think about anything at all. I can think wonderful thoughts, but I won't believe them. I can think very differently from how I feel.
But I digress. I thought about driving a screwdriver through my skull, and twisting and turning until I dropped. This all comes about uncontrollably, like a blast of cold air, or the shivers of a haunting song. And then slowly the cold recedes, and I begin to pay attention to what's on the radio, or think about going up to New Hampshire to volunteer. But during that time my thoughts are solely focused inwards. I can barely pay attention to the road ahead of me. It is an all-consuming thing. Mysterious, without reason.
I don't know how to make it go away except ever so briefly. I need to spend time with friends. I just want whatever is wrong with me to right itself, for something to 'click' and for me to feel better. Because I don't know how else it could happen. I'm clearly missing something. Give me answers! I miss Shayne.
Night.
PS - I really appreciated the comment a few nights ago. If anybody ever feels like writing a few sentences of encouragement, they really do make me smile. Please don't hesitate. Really.
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