So you do exist!

As of half an hour ago, I have two readers. Hi! I guess people did see that link I put on facebook. I haven't told anyone else. Feel free to comment, by the way. Text messages and facebook messages are kind of antithetical to the whole idea of a blog. That's why the comment section is there.

That said, turns out Shayne is reading this thing. I'm saving a post on her for another day (and it will be a doozy, but in the meantime I don't know exactly how I feel about that. Well, that's not true. I'm ok with it -- hell, I'm a little flattered -- just so long as this doesn't promote dialogue. This blog serves just a few purposes.

Primarily, it is my diary. My personal diary. I am writing here in order to explore a few facets of my life without burdening you all, because whether or not you're too polite to say it, you know I am.

Secondarily, because I know I'm shitty at staying in touch with people, it is a way for people who care about me to see what I am up to. Obviously, that's mostly going to be how I'm handling my craziness, but if people want to know, "Hey, how's Joe doing? I know he wasn't feeling too good," they'll be able to find out whatever's been bothering me lately.

Lastly, if any of those people want to give me words of encouragement, or advice, even if it's a simple, "That sucks, man. Don't worry, things will turn around," they'd write it in the comments. I'd really appreciate it, actually. Right now I have to fight so hard for happiness, any little unexpected thing just brightens my mood, even if only for five minutes.

So back to Shayne (as always). I kinda like that she's reading the blog: it's a way for her/us to keep in touch while still allowing me to move on. But I hope she doesn't comment. I don't know how I'd react. Honestly, I'm trying so hard to get my mind in a place where she isn't so important to me, and the best way to do that is to pretend she doesn't exist. It's hard when I keep getting reminders that she does exist.

So apparently she's still checking my Facebook. I only do that when I'm pining for someone. Again, I'm going to go into us in more detail in the future, but I have rarely, if ever, considered this breakup from her point of view. Mostly because I get such mixed signals, I'm afraid I can't figure it out. My best guess, though, is that she feels like she has to do this, because she sees the person she fell in love with in me, but knows that I'm not that person anymore. I'm sadder, I'm depressed. And that it's hurt her as much (well, nearly) as it's hurt me, and that she wishes she could have the old me back. So she's still facebook stalking me, even though she refuses to give me another shot.

See, this is why I don't think about this so much. It's just such a miserable situation, where nobody's happy. I'm not happy. I just want the whole damn thing to go away. It's christmas, I would be thinking up some cool present. Hell, I even have one picked out (Paris, Je T'aime). But I've gotten better at not getting caught up in could-have-beens. Keeping myself busy with two jobs is wearing me down, but at least it's doing a good job of distracting me.

So to all my readers out there, I'm going to pretend like you don't exist, but write every now again. Unless you're Shayne. In which case, don't write. Truth be told Shayne, it's hard to pretend like you're not going to read this. I wouldn't have included the present otherwise. Don't worry, I know I can't give it to you, but it's the thought that counts, right? I don't know. At any rate, I promise to never write specifically to you, or anyone else in a post again, but it's too hard not to.