Merry Christmas

Hey, just wanted to say either this blog doesn't have any readers or y'all are jackasses. Probably the former, but still.

I'm tired, I was woken up this morning because I had to go to NYC to have Christmas dinner with Dad. He's such a fucking annoyance. I love him to death, but he's very needy. He always wants me over, always wants to see me. I do too, but it's such a hassle. I resent the fact that I need to travel to see my own father. That I have to go down to NYC all the time, or else I'm a bad son. That instead of being able to enjoy a nice Christmas with my family, sit and relax on my one day off in weeks, I have to get up early to ensure (yet again) that I am on time, that I make my train, that I sleep in a different bed, that I'm away from home on Christmas. Not cool.

Ugh. I gave him a bottle of sake. I was holding it in my hands an hour ago. I wanted to break it and slash my wrists. Or drink it all. Or smash it over my head and knock myself out. I was having a good Christmas two or three hours ago. I don't know what happened. I watched the Simpsons Movie with Dad. I doubt that did it. He played some music that reminded me of Shayne. I don't know. All I know is that I loved her, she's gone, I'm trying to move on, create meaning where there is none, and only finding that I'm helpless.

I don't know exactly why this depression has taken hold of me, but I have no control over it, and it makes me want to do awful things. I'm not myself, and I don't know if I can ever get back to being the old me. I don't want to live like this, but I don't know what to do. The psychologist's was good for a bit, but now it's just the same old. I'm working, I'm depressed, I don't know what to do. He doesn't have any answers. We've talked about all the relevant issues. He thinks mourning Shayne is just a phase, something that will pass. As for the rest, well, I'm employed, and feeling good about my employment, so that's not it. I'm just insecure. I DON'T KNOW!!! I don't have the slightest clue why I'm sad, and this guy can't do a damn thing. The pills aren't working. I'm approaching the end of my rope, so to speak. I know I've said this before, but if this trip doesn't do something for me, I don't know what I'll do.


FUCK!!!!


Merry Christmas everybody. Seriously, let me know you're reading this if you are.