Sorry I've been breaking my one-post-a-night rule, but honestly, I haven't been compelled to write that much lately. I'm feeling much more... normal. Except for this whole Shayne thing. That's just frustrating me more than anything else. But aside from that, I've felt it much more important to sleep than vent. So, in that spirit, hopefully this will be a short post.
Now, about Shayne. It would be so much easier if I just said, Joe, it's pointless and stupid to be thinking about her. It's in the past, and you have a bright future with many perfectly satisfying women to look forward to.
And yet...
The way things ended really annoys me. I want a second chance. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I like myself, and I'm ready to stop working solely on making myself better. And above all else, it seems like I have a choice: I can choose to try and fail right now to get back the girl who could be "the one", or never speak to her again.
Right now, she's poised to forever be the one that got away. That magical girl who I somehow lost. If, however, we could part on amicable terms, with her even remembering why she loved me, maybe I could become her "one who got away" as well. Then, when I come back from college or something, I would still have a chance.
I'm afraid that the chances of this actually working are slim to none, and that I might just make myself sad again by doing this and getting rejected. Hell, she probably wants nothing to do with me at this point. But...
I can't do friendship. That would still just be too painful. So I have no reason to talk to her before I leave. And I doubt I'm going to be spending too much time at home over summer break (or at least I hope I won't). So we're talking four or five years before I even have another shot with Shayne. And chances are by then I will have lost track of her, or she'll be in Washington, or somewhere else entirely, and by then it'll be too late.
That's a really sad thought. I was serious when I told her I hoped we'd marry in ten years time. But I just don't see that happening. Not unless I remind her why she fell in love with me. Not unless I plant a seed of longing in her mind. Otherwise, I have to say goodbye forever, and I don't want to do that. She was, is, too special to allow that to happen.
Damn I'm in a tough place.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Am I ready?
Shayne's been on my mind alot lately, but in a good way. Maybe.
My newfound appreciation of life has left me feeling very much like I did before I became depressed, and lately I've been thinking "well, the only thing that's missing is Shayne!" For weeks whenever this question comes up, I've just said, "well, a few more weeks," but now I'm wondering if it really is a matter of a few weeks until I ask her.
Clearly things are much more complicated than that, but really, I've begun wondering if maybe I'm healthy enough to consider asking Shayne out on that "First Date: Redux" I proposed in some grief-stricken stupor a while back. Would I be ok if she rejected me? Is there any chance of it going well? What if she just wants to be friends again? What if my schedule gets in the way?
Sooo many questions, too few answers. That's why I really wanted to talk to my shrink, to talk to him about this.
She's been on my mind quite a bit, but it's no longer a torturous thought. Today I thought about her so much, I actually got sick with nervousness. I'm not sure that that's a sign that this isn't a good idea, however. When I think about her, I'm not thinking about the past anymore. I'm thinking about the future, about the potential that's there. I'm excited. I don't mourn anymore. Is it so bad to think about a person like this? After all, I would be so excited/nervous whenever I thought about Shayne in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's normal to be thinking about someone alot, and getting all worked up about someone, when you like them and you think there may be a shot?
Of course, there is the matter of time. I'm leaving in under two months now. We'd have a month, month and a half at best together, and even then my schedule's not that great. Would it be worth it? Would she think it would be worth it? I say, I wouldn't mind enjoying it while I can, but I'm not sure she'd want to get her heart broken again when I leave.
I can't wait to talk to Dr. Freedman about all this.
My newfound appreciation of life has left me feeling very much like I did before I became depressed, and lately I've been thinking "well, the only thing that's missing is Shayne!" For weeks whenever this question comes up, I've just said, "well, a few more weeks," but now I'm wondering if it really is a matter of a few weeks until I ask her.
Clearly things are much more complicated than that, but really, I've begun wondering if maybe I'm healthy enough to consider asking Shayne out on that "First Date: Redux" I proposed in some grief-stricken stupor a while back. Would I be ok if she rejected me? Is there any chance of it going well? What if she just wants to be friends again? What if my schedule gets in the way?
Sooo many questions, too few answers. That's why I really wanted to talk to my shrink, to talk to him about this.
She's been on my mind quite a bit, but it's no longer a torturous thought. Today I thought about her so much, I actually got sick with nervousness. I'm not sure that that's a sign that this isn't a good idea, however. When I think about her, I'm not thinking about the past anymore. I'm thinking about the future, about the potential that's there. I'm excited. I don't mourn anymore. Is it so bad to think about a person like this? After all, I would be so excited/nervous whenever I thought about Shayne in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's normal to be thinking about someone alot, and getting all worked up about someone, when you like them and you think there may be a shot?
Of course, there is the matter of time. I'm leaving in under two months now. We'd have a month, month and a half at best together, and even then my schedule's not that great. Would it be worth it? Would she think it would be worth it? I say, I wouldn't mind enjoying it while I can, but I'm not sure she'd want to get her heart broken again when I leave.
I can't wait to talk to Dr. Freedman about all this.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Vito's Ordination Song
Driving up last Thursday, Vito's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens began playing. At the end, it just repeats the following four lines over and over, in the most comforting voice imaginable:
Rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed
There's a design
To what I did and said
Ostensibly the song is about Sufjan telling his friend, Vito, the depth of his love for him, and in fact comparing it to Christ's love. But, when I heard that, the longing I had for those lyrics to be true, for there to be a God singing to me "Rest, there's a design," it was simply overwhelming. I nearly cried, driving up Rt. 44 in Barkhamsted.
I'm not a religious man. But lately, this whole depression thing has made me wish I was one. The idea that, despite all that has gone on, there's a design to this, that I don't have to worry or despair because while things may be bad now, it's for the best, and I just need to trust in something more powerful than myself, that idea spoke directly to me. It's exactly what I want to be true, and exactly what I felt wasn't true. My world had lost all order, and I was powerless. Even thinking about it now is making me emotional.
When I was a child, my parents would come in to pick up the pieces. Now, they can help with money, but my problems are my own. I want some sort of authority figure to come in, pat me on the head, tell me everything's ok, and let me rest. Maybe it's part of becoming a man, but I want to be taken care of, and I'm struggling with letting go and learning how to be self-reliant.
I've even strongly considered going to church. I still intend to. During a particularly bad mood, I made a promise that if things turned around today, I would begin to attend, and that day they did. I'm not saying God heard me, but I am respectful enough that I decided I need to go.
See, here's the thing. If there's one thing I'm missing in my life, it's a support network I can rely on. It used to be my friends, but they're far away now. I want to feel like I have people to talk to, people who love me. I know I do, but, and I can't really explain it, I feel like church would help. It's the whole community thing - to know that there's a room full of people who care about you, simply because it's the right thing to do. To know that there's a guy, a pastor or whatever, who would freely do whatever he can to help me, simply out of love for his fellow man -- well, that's a powerful thing.
Of course, it would need to be the right church, and the right pastor. I would need to shop around for a bit. But having heard stories, and having seen my evangelical relatives, I think what I'm looking for is a pastor who is faithful because of Jesus's love. He feels overwhelming love, and wants to imbue you with that love. The political side of my evangelical relatives can be ugly, but the love they have for everyone and everything on this planet is incredible, and it's not something I see in my secular life.
But yes, I have begun to flirt with religion, if only for the comfort it gives. I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe in the existence of an omnipotent being, or that Jesus was magical. But let me tell you what I can believe in.
If a group of people take Jesus's teaching's seriously, and support eachother, help eachother and those around them, truly love them for who they are, and fight injustice, help the needy, the poor, the weak, etc., if a group of people try to learn from this man's teachings, then you can rest in God's arms, sleep soundly, because God is in each and every one of those souls. You don't need an omnipotent being when you have eachother.
I think I'm going to attend a few services while I'm in Europe. And I think I'll meet up with that evangelist in Bejing my cousins know. Maybe I'll find myself closer to God.
Rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed
There's a design
To what I did and said
Ostensibly the song is about Sufjan telling his friend, Vito, the depth of his love for him, and in fact comparing it to Christ's love. But, when I heard that, the longing I had for those lyrics to be true, for there to be a God singing to me "Rest, there's a design," it was simply overwhelming. I nearly cried, driving up Rt. 44 in Barkhamsted.
I'm not a religious man. But lately, this whole depression thing has made me wish I was one. The idea that, despite all that has gone on, there's a design to this, that I don't have to worry or despair because while things may be bad now, it's for the best, and I just need to trust in something more powerful than myself, that idea spoke directly to me. It's exactly what I want to be true, and exactly what I felt wasn't true. My world had lost all order, and I was powerless. Even thinking about it now is making me emotional.
When I was a child, my parents would come in to pick up the pieces. Now, they can help with money, but my problems are my own. I want some sort of authority figure to come in, pat me on the head, tell me everything's ok, and let me rest. Maybe it's part of becoming a man, but I want to be taken care of, and I'm struggling with letting go and learning how to be self-reliant.
I've even strongly considered going to church. I still intend to. During a particularly bad mood, I made a promise that if things turned around today, I would begin to attend, and that day they did. I'm not saying God heard me, but I am respectful enough that I decided I need to go.
See, here's the thing. If there's one thing I'm missing in my life, it's a support network I can rely on. It used to be my friends, but they're far away now. I want to feel like I have people to talk to, people who love me. I know I do, but, and I can't really explain it, I feel like church would help. It's the whole community thing - to know that there's a room full of people who care about you, simply because it's the right thing to do. To know that there's a guy, a pastor or whatever, who would freely do whatever he can to help me, simply out of love for his fellow man -- well, that's a powerful thing.
Of course, it would need to be the right church, and the right pastor. I would need to shop around for a bit. But having heard stories, and having seen my evangelical relatives, I think what I'm looking for is a pastor who is faithful because of Jesus's love. He feels overwhelming love, and wants to imbue you with that love. The political side of my evangelical relatives can be ugly, but the love they have for everyone and everything on this planet is incredible, and it's not something I see in my secular life.
But yes, I have begun to flirt with religion, if only for the comfort it gives. I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe in the existence of an omnipotent being, or that Jesus was magical. But let me tell you what I can believe in.
If a group of people take Jesus's teaching's seriously, and support eachother, help eachother and those around them, truly love them for who they are, and fight injustice, help the needy, the poor, the weak, etc., if a group of people try to learn from this man's teachings, then you can rest in God's arms, sleep soundly, because God is in each and every one of those souls. You don't need an omnipotent being when you have eachother.
I think I'm going to attend a few services while I'm in Europe. And I think I'll meet up with that evangelist in Bejing my cousins know. Maybe I'll find myself closer to God.
Feeling Better
I'm beginning to feel better. Actually, alot better. That feeling I had driving up to Albany last Thursday? It's been sticking with me, to varying degrees. I'm still thinking about Shayne alot, but not obsessively, and more importantly not maddeningly. The thought of her excites me more than anything else. She's this cute girl who I think I might have a shot with, and I'm getting over all the history with her. I'm thinking about the future, and it looks good.
At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.
Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.
So, this situation poses a few questions.
Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.
My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.
Relatedly...
Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.
Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '
Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?
I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.
Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.
Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.
At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.
Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.
So, this situation poses a few questions.
Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.
My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.
Relatedly...
Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.
Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '
Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?
I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.
Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.
Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Serenity Now!!
Today I drove up to Albany to see Dad argue his case in front of the New York Court of Appeals, the highest court in the state. It was a real honor, and I was really impressed. He got hammered by the judges. The questions were relentless. I'm not sure who's going to win, but it was really neat to see my dad being a lawyer -- talking with his equals, nervous. It was a step down from his usual roles, as either a tireless mule or a small man (when he's being beaten down by his girlfriend) or a near-superhuman figure. At that moment I could really relate to him. I have been in his exact same position before, and it was gratifying to see that he performed about as well as I think I would have had I been in his shoes. That is to say, I saw him as a peer, and it was an interesting change of perspective.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
Albany is a gorgeous city. It reminded me alot of Quebec City really, with a New England twist. Even better though was the drive up. I took Rt. 44 to Rt. 8 north, through Northwestern CT and the Berkshires. It was spectacular. The trees all had just a bit of snow on them, I was driving small windy two-lane roads through mountains and forests, with majestic frozen lakes right next to me. For a while I was following a river, and every hundred feet or so it would peak out. My laptop was picking out all the best songs, "Vito's Ordination Song" by Sufjan Stevens standing out in particular. Calming, peaceful, happy, beautiful music. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was happy.
Not happy in the sense that something great just happened. No, perhaps a better word is contentment. Serenity. I thought of Shayne a bit on the trip, but it didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I was able to remember the good times, and when my thoughts began to turn sour I chuckled and was able to change my focus to the good things in my life. But aside from those brief moments, I didn't have to struggle to stay positive. For once, everything was right with the world.
And then it hit me. That's what has changed. It's not that my friends have moved away, or Shayne has left me, or that I'm lonely, or fat, or anything like that. No, it's that I've lost that sense of comfort, of security, of everything being right with the world.
(Don't cha just love the near-daily epiphanies? But I think this one's gonna stick.)
I haven't written too much about this, but all of Junior year I was single, and yet I didn't care at all. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was just fine. I didn't spend too much time with my friends, but I knew where to find them, and I enjoyed the time I did spend with them. I had my computer games, and I was content. I would say the first half of Senior year, when I had Shayne and my memories of the Ned Lamont campaign, I was happier, but still. Getting to where I was Junior year is a good goal - I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was ok with that. I had my ups, my downs, and my midpoints. All in all, it was an above-average year, a year where I was beginning to become comfortable in my skin.
And I'm no longer comfortable in my skin. I haven't felt like I did on that drive in months. I wasn't distracted from my thoughts. I've been happy during this period of depression, but always with the potential to quickly slide back into it. It's hard to describe - it's like I'm at the edge of a vast abyss, standing on a very rickety ledge supported by pills and recent, temporary events. Without those pills, and without those temporary events, I would be in the pits of depression. And I can tell. The happiness itself has a hollow quality about it, like it's tempered by it's fleeting nature.
But today wasn't like that. Today was sure and strong and proud. Today was better. For an hour, I was better. I recognized that feeling afterwards, realized the last time I felt that I was walking down Founders Quad, knowing that everything was ok and that I was in a good place. The natural beauty of the quad, like the natural beauty of that road, would impart a sense of rightness. And whenever I was stressed, or worried, I just needed to walk down that road with a plan in my head, and realize that everything was going to be ok, because I knew where I was, and where I was going.
Well, now I have very rough ideas of both. It's a scary thing. And no, everything doesn't feel fine, it doesn't feel like everything is necessarily going to be ok. Maybe the sudden nature of Shayne's dumping me, or the way I went in a week from a girlfriend and a job to no girlfriend and no job prospects, or how over the course of the past nine months my plan, my knowledge of where I was going, how all that got turned on it's head, maybe these things shook up my sense of the world? The world went from being a good place, a comforting place, to a scary, random place, where pits of horrors could open up in a second? You can never feel safe.
I want to feel safe, secure, sure of myself and the world around me. I realize that might be alot to ask, but it shouldn't be. And those four things are good goals to work towards achieving. I would say right now I'm on track, I have a plan, I just need to start to put that plan into action and internalize the fact that yes, I am ok. Yes, things will work out. Everything will be ok. And most importantly, even if everything isn't, well, that doesn't matter too much, so long as everything's right with the world.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
Albany is a gorgeous city. It reminded me alot of Quebec City really, with a New England twist. Even better though was the drive up. I took Rt. 44 to Rt. 8 north, through Northwestern CT and the Berkshires. It was spectacular. The trees all had just a bit of snow on them, I was driving small windy two-lane roads through mountains and forests, with majestic frozen lakes right next to me. For a while I was following a river, and every hundred feet or so it would peak out. My laptop was picking out all the best songs, "Vito's Ordination Song" by Sufjan Stevens standing out in particular. Calming, peaceful, happy, beautiful music. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was happy.
Not happy in the sense that something great just happened. No, perhaps a better word is contentment. Serenity. I thought of Shayne a bit on the trip, but it didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I was able to remember the good times, and when my thoughts began to turn sour I chuckled and was able to change my focus to the good things in my life. But aside from those brief moments, I didn't have to struggle to stay positive. For once, everything was right with the world.
And then it hit me. That's what has changed. It's not that my friends have moved away, or Shayne has left me, or that I'm lonely, or fat, or anything like that. No, it's that I've lost that sense of comfort, of security, of everything being right with the world.
(Don't cha just love the near-daily epiphanies? But I think this one's gonna stick.)
I haven't written too much about this, but all of Junior year I was single, and yet I didn't care at all. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was just fine. I didn't spend too much time with my friends, but I knew where to find them, and I enjoyed the time I did spend with them. I had my computer games, and I was content. I would say the first half of Senior year, when I had Shayne and my memories of the Ned Lamont campaign, I was happier, but still. Getting to where I was Junior year is a good goal - I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was ok with that. I had my ups, my downs, and my midpoints. All in all, it was an above-average year, a year where I was beginning to become comfortable in my skin.
And I'm no longer comfortable in my skin. I haven't felt like I did on that drive in months. I wasn't distracted from my thoughts. I've been happy during this period of depression, but always with the potential to quickly slide back into it. It's hard to describe - it's like I'm at the edge of a vast abyss, standing on a very rickety ledge supported by pills and recent, temporary events. Without those pills, and without those temporary events, I would be in the pits of depression. And I can tell. The happiness itself has a hollow quality about it, like it's tempered by it's fleeting nature.
But today wasn't like that. Today was sure and strong and proud. Today was better. For an hour, I was better. I recognized that feeling afterwards, realized the last time I felt that I was walking down Founders Quad, knowing that everything was ok and that I was in a good place. The natural beauty of the quad, like the natural beauty of that road, would impart a sense of rightness. And whenever I was stressed, or worried, I just needed to walk down that road with a plan in my head, and realize that everything was going to be ok, because I knew where I was, and where I was going.
Well, now I have very rough ideas of both. It's a scary thing. And no, everything doesn't feel fine, it doesn't feel like everything is necessarily going to be ok. Maybe the sudden nature of Shayne's dumping me, or the way I went in a week from a girlfriend and a job to no girlfriend and no job prospects, or how over the course of the past nine months my plan, my knowledge of where I was going, how all that got turned on it's head, maybe these things shook up my sense of the world? The world went from being a good place, a comforting place, to a scary, random place, where pits of horrors could open up in a second? You can never feel safe.
I want to feel safe, secure, sure of myself and the world around me. I realize that might be alot to ask, but it shouldn't be. And those four things are good goals to work towards achieving. I would say right now I'm on track, I have a plan, I just need to start to put that plan into action and internalize the fact that yes, I am ok. Yes, things will work out. Everything will be ok. And most importantly, even if everything isn't, well, that doesn't matter too much, so long as everything's right with the world.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Random Thoughts
I've got writers' block tonight, so I'm just going to jot down a few random thoughts:
- I don't know why I'm missing Shayne so much lately. Obviously I've been missing her non-stop since we broke up, but the past few days my thoughts have been turning to her more and more. It's frustrating, to say the least, and I do feel powerless.
- Bitches are real bitches. The tech woman at the Nature Conservatory actually requested that next time they need a technician, don't send me. See, she was pissed that the first time I went down, I said everything was fine. Then when it turned out it wasn't fine, it was just a very intermittent problem, I replaced her motherboard and forgot to update the BIOS. Now, without the BIOS update, her computer was fine. But apparently she demanded somebody come down there and update her BIOS, and that it NOT be me. Fine, I don't ever want to see her again. Well, it turns out today Randall, a fellow techie, called the place up, and the actual user of the laptop (not the bitch, she's just the IT person) gave him a "huh? everything's fine!", so Randall didn't come down. Now she's saying, no, Randall's incompetent, send me Joe. Well, you know what bitch? I'm going to Albany tomorrow. So suck it - I'll be back Friday. I hope the BIOS updating software works this time.
- Why is it I feel so lonely? I used to never feel lonely. I think I became very dependent on others when I was with with Shayne, and now I feel... under appreciated, unloved. I know I have a large support network, but I don't know how to use it. Like I said earlier, I just need to stop caring. And yet, I feel like there's something missing in my life, something unfulfilled, and I don't know what it is, or how to fill it.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm stuck on you
Shayne sent me a Facebook message today. She was apparently pissed that I said I was disappointed I wasn't "fucking Shayne." That's fair I guess. I'm sorry. I get crude to depersonalize things, to make it seem less important than it really was.
But as a result, all day she's been in the back of my mind. The thought that she still, months later, reads this blog -- well, it's kinda weird. A little exciting, a little off-putting. I really wish I could get this girl out of my head. Time isn't really working that well.
Jennings' new girl looks and seems just like Shayne. It pisses me off that he gets to start a relationship like that, while I'm trying to get over one. And nothing is really working.
No longer does she drive me crazy, exactly. The thought of her loss and what we could have had doesn't bother me that much anymore. She's more like a song that's stuck in my head. I see something, I think of her. I hear something, I think of her. I can go for hours without thinking of her, but rarely do I go a day without imagining what she would think of some joke I thought up, or how she loved penguins, or how she would call me baby.
It's not obsessive like it used to be. Recently I've even gained the self control to actively attempt to stop thinking about her when she pops into my head. It rarely works though.
This is why I stopped talking to her. If we were still talking, these thoughts would be so much more difficult to control.
Maybe I'll call her mom when I get my phone (with its contacts list) back. Just to see how she's doing. I miss her, alot. I try hard not to, but it seems I can't control it, and I don't know how to curtail it. It's frustrating how much I miss her. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. Right now it's worse.
Maybe just knowing how she's doing will help alleviate this distress. Who am I kidding, no it won't. Hell, maybe I'll just give in this once, just because. Besides, I miss her mom too. She was really sweet to me, like a second mom. I could use her advice right about now.
But as a result, all day she's been in the back of my mind. The thought that she still, months later, reads this blog -- well, it's kinda weird. A little exciting, a little off-putting. I really wish I could get this girl out of my head. Time isn't really working that well.
Jennings' new girl looks and seems just like Shayne. It pisses me off that he gets to start a relationship like that, while I'm trying to get over one. And nothing is really working.
No longer does she drive me crazy, exactly. The thought of her loss and what we could have had doesn't bother me that much anymore. She's more like a song that's stuck in my head. I see something, I think of her. I hear something, I think of her. I can go for hours without thinking of her, but rarely do I go a day without imagining what she would think of some joke I thought up, or how she loved penguins, or how she would call me baby.
It's not obsessive like it used to be. Recently I've even gained the self control to actively attempt to stop thinking about her when she pops into my head. It rarely works though.
This is why I stopped talking to her. If we were still talking, these thoughts would be so much more difficult to control.
Maybe I'll call her mom when I get my phone (with its contacts list) back. Just to see how she's doing. I miss her, alot. I try hard not to, but it seems I can't control it, and I don't know how to curtail it. It's frustrating how much I miss her. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. Right now it's worse.
Maybe just knowing how she's doing will help alleviate this distress. Who am I kidding, no it won't. Hell, maybe I'll just give in this once, just because. Besides, I miss her mom too. She was really sweet to me, like a second mom. I could use her advice right about now.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A good day?
Real quick, since I do want to go to sleep.
Today I noticed for the first time in a while, I was coming up with comebacks, joking around, cursing, and generally feeling accepted, like one of the guys. When I was cleaning up with the two people who were, until recently, the only two other males at the store, we were laughing, telling dirty jokes, and generally just getting along great. It felt good. I need to learn how to do that more often.
Might another thought of mine just interject here however? The above paragraph, while encouraging, pisses me off. I'm tired of having to relearn over and over again how to interact with people. Twice now I've gotten depressed, and twice now I've had to completely remake my persona. And it's a lot of work to craft a persona! How the hell did it get to a place where I have to learn how to be happy? I'm JOLLY dammit. I am the freaking living god of happiness. What the hell happened?
And if this is all in my head, then how the hell did I let this happen?
I can't let this happen again. Let's learn again how to live my life feeling satisfaction and joy, and then lets learn how to never forget it again.
Today I noticed for the first time in a while, I was coming up with comebacks, joking around, cursing, and generally feeling accepted, like one of the guys. When I was cleaning up with the two people who were, until recently, the only two other males at the store, we were laughing, telling dirty jokes, and generally just getting along great. It felt good. I need to learn how to do that more often.
Might another thought of mine just interject here however? The above paragraph, while encouraging, pisses me off. I'm tired of having to relearn over and over again how to interact with people. Twice now I've gotten depressed, and twice now I've had to completely remake my persona. And it's a lot of work to craft a persona! How the hell did it get to a place where I have to learn how to be happy? I'm JOLLY dammit. I am the freaking living god of happiness. What the hell happened?
And if this is all in my head, then how the hell did I let this happen?
I can't let this happen again. Let's learn again how to live my life feeling satisfaction and joy, and then lets learn how to never forget it again.
Daily Show!!!
I'm writing this post at 12:30, a half an hour after the Colbert Report ended. I think the fact that the end of the Colbert Report marks a proper end to the night is finally going to allow me to go to bed earlier. Instead of going to sleep after 2:00am each night, I might just go to sleep around twelve or twelve thirty. That's probably the best part of having these two institutions back.
Otherwise, they were ok at best. You can tell the writers aren't there, and it's disappointing to see the hosts, especially Jon Stewart, struggle. Jon is writing all the material now, and you can tell he's nervous that his material isn't up to snuff. Maybe the success of his jokes is that much more personal now? I don't know. All I know is that, while funny, Jon wasn't his old self at all.
Steven, too, was a little rusty, though his overconfident persona masked things quite well. His bit about the Huckabee bump in particular was quite funny. Still, the overreliance on interviews and the funny:mildly amusing ratio both belied the lack of writers. May this strike end soon, dammit!
Otherwise, they were ok at best. You can tell the writers aren't there, and it's disappointing to see the hosts, especially Jon Stewart, struggle. Jon is writing all the material now, and you can tell he's nervous that his material isn't up to snuff. Maybe the success of his jokes is that much more personal now? I don't know. All I know is that, while funny, Jon wasn't his old self at all.
Steven, too, was a little rusty, though his overconfident persona masked things quite well. His bit about the Huckabee bump in particular was quite funny. Still, the overreliance on interviews and the funny:mildly amusing ratio both belied the lack of writers. May this strike end soon, dammit!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Why don't I just jump off a bridge?
It's sweet that there are people out there that care about me. But sometimes it can be quite creepy.
My manager, Kristy, is 32 with two kids, yet she looks like a 21-year old fox. Don't really know why I had to mention it, except I've always had a slight thing for her.
Anyways, Kristy actually pulls me aside today and tells me, "Joe, you seem so sad, and for no good reason. Just as a bit of advice, do you think girls like sad sacks?" First of all, I know they don't; that's why I'm single right now instead of fucking Shayne. But she goes on...
"You're a good looking guy, funny, sweet, caring, but you're always so down on yourself. The only thing keeping you from having a girlfriend is you. Honestly, I worry about you. You seem like the kind of guy who's going to jump off a bridge!"
I didn't really know how to respond to that. Initially I was flattered. I really like and respect Kristy, and to know she cares about me like that is really sweet. But the more I think about it, the more bothered I am about the whole thing. I'm getting tired of people telling me I'm not myself. I know I'm not myself, I know I'm depressed, I know I have a problem. That's why I spend $30 a session in co-pays for my psychiatrist. And believe it or not, I've considered jumping off a bridge, and it's not something I want to go back to.
Nor is it pleasant to think that these people will forever think of me as this sad, lonely kid. I used to be Jolly, and I really did like that persona. To me, this is a blip, a low period, yet to them, I'm going to be thirty and staring over the abyss.
Truth be told, I worry about that thought. That this will never end, that this overbearing depression is the real me, and that my period of happiness was the blip. And I don't like knowing that for all of my coworkers, I am that permanently depressed person that I'm trying so hard to avoid becoming.
I also want to talk about her supposedly positive comments, because this is a concept that I'm only just beginning to realize, and I'm struggling with the implications. I'm beginning to reach the conclusion that this is all in my head. All of it, the awkwardness, the depression, the loneliness, all of it is self-perpetuating. None of it is based in anything concrete, it's all just something that reinforces itself. I'm depressed because I'm lonely, I'm lonely because I'm awkward and depressed, and I'm awkward because I'm depressed. It's a vicious cycle, so to speak.
But what does this mean? For one, Rui's "fake it till you make it" comment is accurate. If I put my faith in this theory, then all I need to do is break the cycle. Choose to not let the loneliness and the awkwardness bother me, and I'll stop being depressed, which will lead me to be less awkward and, eventually, less lonely. So over the past few days, I have been trying to do just that. Allow myself to be joyful, not dwell on the negative, take pleasure in the little things, enjoy the company of my coworkers and friends.
And yet it's never that simple, is it?
No, I still find myself longing for Shayne, and having a worse mood overall, and feeling awkward and lonely and depressed.
What shocks me especially is the longing for Shayne. The rest I can handle. In fact, my mood has improved quite a bit, even if it's not where it should be, and my feelings of awkwardness have begun to go away. (At least, I'm beginning to accept them.) But still, at least a few times a day, I find myself thinking of her. Sometimes wistfully, sometimes bemusedly, but sometimes bitterly, and sometimes in mourning. Once a day at least I mourn her, miss her, ache for her presence, her joy, her laugh, her warmth. I tell myself I'll allow a little bit of mourning. But her presence seems to fade so slowly, if at all.
And so I work, trying to keep myself busy. Even as I'm writing this, I begin to feel self-pity, and I take a deep breath, put on a smile, and force myself to recognize that there's nothing wrong with this morally, that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way.
But I worry that this new strategy will be completely ineffective in dealing with Shayne, and I don't know what to do. Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just not done missing her. But I know I can't get better until I stop thinking of her in such a sad way.
Maybe if I got more sleep, and worked less, I might be able to do something? Get something going in my life? Feel better?
I wish.
My manager, Kristy, is 32 with two kids, yet she looks like a 21-year old fox. Don't really know why I had to mention it, except I've always had a slight thing for her.
Anyways, Kristy actually pulls me aside today and tells me, "Joe, you seem so sad, and for no good reason. Just as a bit of advice, do you think girls like sad sacks?" First of all, I know they don't; that's why I'm single right now instead of fucking Shayne. But she goes on...
"You're a good looking guy, funny, sweet, caring, but you're always so down on yourself. The only thing keeping you from having a girlfriend is you. Honestly, I worry about you. You seem like the kind of guy who's going to jump off a bridge!"
I didn't really know how to respond to that. Initially I was flattered. I really like and respect Kristy, and to know she cares about me like that is really sweet. But the more I think about it, the more bothered I am about the whole thing. I'm getting tired of people telling me I'm not myself. I know I'm not myself, I know I'm depressed, I know I have a problem. That's why I spend $30 a session in co-pays for my psychiatrist. And believe it or not, I've considered jumping off a bridge, and it's not something I want to go back to.
Nor is it pleasant to think that these people will forever think of me as this sad, lonely kid. I used to be Jolly, and I really did like that persona. To me, this is a blip, a low period, yet to them, I'm going to be thirty and staring over the abyss.
Truth be told, I worry about that thought. That this will never end, that this overbearing depression is the real me, and that my period of happiness was the blip. And I don't like knowing that for all of my coworkers, I am that permanently depressed person that I'm trying so hard to avoid becoming.
---------------------------------
I also want to talk about her supposedly positive comments, because this is a concept that I'm only just beginning to realize, and I'm struggling with the implications. I'm beginning to reach the conclusion that this is all in my head. All of it, the awkwardness, the depression, the loneliness, all of it is self-perpetuating. None of it is based in anything concrete, it's all just something that reinforces itself. I'm depressed because I'm lonely, I'm lonely because I'm awkward and depressed, and I'm awkward because I'm depressed. It's a vicious cycle, so to speak.
But what does this mean? For one, Rui's "fake it till you make it" comment is accurate. If I put my faith in this theory, then all I need to do is break the cycle. Choose to not let the loneliness and the awkwardness bother me, and I'll stop being depressed, which will lead me to be less awkward and, eventually, less lonely. So over the past few days, I have been trying to do just that. Allow myself to be joyful, not dwell on the negative, take pleasure in the little things, enjoy the company of my coworkers and friends.
And yet it's never that simple, is it?
No, I still find myself longing for Shayne, and having a worse mood overall, and feeling awkward and lonely and depressed.
What shocks me especially is the longing for Shayne. The rest I can handle. In fact, my mood has improved quite a bit, even if it's not where it should be, and my feelings of awkwardness have begun to go away. (At least, I'm beginning to accept them.) But still, at least a few times a day, I find myself thinking of her. Sometimes wistfully, sometimes bemusedly, but sometimes bitterly, and sometimes in mourning. Once a day at least I mourn her, miss her, ache for her presence, her joy, her laugh, her warmth. I tell myself I'll allow a little bit of mourning. But her presence seems to fade so slowly, if at all.
And so I work, trying to keep myself busy. Even as I'm writing this, I begin to feel self-pity, and I take a deep breath, put on a smile, and force myself to recognize that there's nothing wrong with this morally, that I'm not a bad person for feeling this way.
But I worry that this new strategy will be completely ineffective in dealing with Shayne, and I don't know what to do. Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm just not done missing her. But I know I can't get better until I stop thinking of her in such a sad way.
Maybe if I got more sleep, and worked less, I might be able to do something? Get something going in my life? Feel better?
I wish.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
High Pressure Area Moving in From Canada
I don't want to give Rui credit for turning me around, but ever since he talked to me, and I thought about what he said, and I talked about my thoughts with my psychologist, I've been feeling alot better. More... comfortable with myself, and my situation in life. It's hardly an ideal situation, but it's not an awful one either. Truth be told, I have alot going for me.
Today was really nice. I got to sleep in, which made my life feel so much better. I think I might try to get to bed by one each night, instead of two, so that I can feel this good all the time. When I got to work, I sampled for forty five minutes straight. Normally I'm ready to collapse after ten minutes. Then, after my break, I just got really aggressive in my sales. I broke through, and instead of just showing people product, I began to actually sell to them. And the whole time I felt good about myself. I was laughing and joking around with my coworkers, and while I may have been quiet compared to some of them, compared to how silent I normally am I felt like I was just one of the gang. It felt good.
And then I went out for dinner with friends, and felt accepted. I enjoyed being with them, I enjoyed talking with them, joking around with them. I wasn't sad at all (except when the conversation turned to how Shayne and I broke up, of course).
The best part of today? I actually felt joy every now and then, something I have missed a great deal these long months.
It got me thinking in the past hour or so that maybe I should see if I could tolerate being around Shayne. Who knows, maybe I could reignite something. But I need to keep my head on straight about this. That will not happen. It simply wouldn't work. I feel stronger than I have in months, and I can't risk slipping up again. I've made too much progress. In a few weeks? Maybe. But a few days of happiness does not a recovery make.
I've gone from hurricanes to thunderclouds to grey skies, and finally, finally, I can see the sun shining through the clouds. It's still cloudy, but it looks like there's a lull in the storm; I can't tell exactly, but it may be passing. God I hope so.
Today was really nice. I got to sleep in, which made my life feel so much better. I think I might try to get to bed by one each night, instead of two, so that I can feel this good all the time. When I got to work, I sampled for forty five minutes straight. Normally I'm ready to collapse after ten minutes. Then, after my break, I just got really aggressive in my sales. I broke through, and instead of just showing people product, I began to actually sell to them. And the whole time I felt good about myself. I was laughing and joking around with my coworkers, and while I may have been quiet compared to some of them, compared to how silent I normally am I felt like I was just one of the gang. It felt good.
And then I went out for dinner with friends, and felt accepted. I enjoyed being with them, I enjoyed talking with them, joking around with them. I wasn't sad at all (except when the conversation turned to how Shayne and I broke up, of course).
The best part of today? I actually felt joy every now and then, something I have missed a great deal these long months.
It got me thinking in the past hour or so that maybe I should see if I could tolerate being around Shayne. Who knows, maybe I could reignite something. But I need to keep my head on straight about this. That will not happen. It simply wouldn't work. I feel stronger than I have in months, and I can't risk slipping up again. I've made too much progress. In a few weeks? Maybe. But a few days of happiness does not a recovery make.
I've gone from hurricanes to thunderclouds to grey skies, and finally, finally, I can see the sun shining through the clouds. It's still cloudy, but it looks like there's a lull in the storm; I can't tell exactly, but it may be passing. God I hope so.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Man Boobs
On a related note to the post below, I really wish I had the money for male breast reduction surgery. One of the main impediments to my losing weight has always been the knowledge that even if it went perfectly, I'd still have these hideous things. Shayne may not have noticed them for a whole year (it's funny how love blinds you to the imperfections), but they've always made me incredibly self conscious.
I just want to be able to wear a t-shirt without feeling fat. Even when I was down to 190 lbs, my stomach wasn't that bad while my boobs were just distracting. And don't get me started on how ridiculous I look at the beach with my shirt off. It's one of the main reasons I've been to the beach so rarely. It's also why the sweatshirt is my winter garment of choice. Anything body hugging just makes me look like a woman. I know I'm supposed to get past my insecurities, but this is one insecurity I just want to fix.
That, plus losing weight, would make me happier. Not necessarily happy, but happier.
Now I just need to find $4000. Donations can be left at the Teavana store at West Farms Mall, Farmington, CT. We do not take Discover.
(Maybe I can get it for cheap in Thailand while I'm over there!)
I just want to be able to wear a t-shirt without feeling fat. Even when I was down to 190 lbs, my stomach wasn't that bad while my boobs were just distracting. And don't get me started on how ridiculous I look at the beach with my shirt off. It's one of the main reasons I've been to the beach so rarely. It's also why the sweatshirt is my winter garment of choice. Anything body hugging just makes me look like a woman. I know I'm supposed to get past my insecurities, but this is one insecurity I just want to fix.
That, plus losing weight, would make me happier. Not necessarily happy, but happier.
Now I just need to find $4000. Donations can be left at the Teavana store at West Farms Mall, Farmington, CT. We do not take Discover.
(Maybe I can get it for cheap in Thailand while I'm over there!)
Now psychologist-approved!
So I went to see the shrink again for the first time in a month.
I had flaked on my last appointment, and he had sounded pretty pissed at the time. I was seriously worried that he secretly hated me, and was just listening to me bitch in order to get paid.
Good news: either he really doesn't mind me, or he's a good actor, because I felt like we were back on track today.
And, he said not only was ignoring my insecurities healthy, it's the key to happiness. (At least according to Zen Buddhists. I should really pick up that Zen Buddhism book at Teavana.) So now I don't have to feel guilty about, well, anything that isn't my fault. Like feeling guilty about feeling guilty. That shit needs to stop. When you're apologizing for your mere presence, as I have been known to do, you know you have a problem. The solution, oddly enough, is to just stop caring so much. Stop caring that you're awkward, and annoying, and meek.
This is the revelation for me: You can keep on feeling like you're awkward, or a burden, or hopeless. Just so long as you don't let these thoughts take over, just so long as you don't care too much about these facts. Am I a lazy unappreciative fat ass who has a really hard time with women and fucked up the one great relationship he's ever had? Oh yeah, that's me. I just need to be able to say, that might be true, but I'm still a good person. And I'm getting there.
I had flaked on my last appointment, and he had sounded pretty pissed at the time. I was seriously worried that he secretly hated me, and was just listening to me bitch in order to get paid.
Good news: either he really doesn't mind me, or he's a good actor, because I felt like we were back on track today.
And, he said not only was ignoring my insecurities healthy, it's the key to happiness. (At least according to Zen Buddhists. I should really pick up that Zen Buddhism book at Teavana.) So now I don't have to feel guilty about, well, anything that isn't my fault. Like feeling guilty about feeling guilty. That shit needs to stop. When you're apologizing for your mere presence, as I have been known to do, you know you have a problem. The solution, oddly enough, is to just stop caring so much. Stop caring that you're awkward, and annoying, and meek.
This is the revelation for me: You can keep on feeling like you're awkward, or a burden, or hopeless. Just so long as you don't let these thoughts take over, just so long as you don't care too much about these facts. Am I a lazy unappreciative fat ass who has a really hard time with women and fucked up the one great relationship he's ever had? Oh yeah, that's me. I just need to be able to say, that might be true, but I'm still a good person. And I'm getting there.
Confession
I did something kinda despicable today. I was in the parking lot of my last job of the day, I was exhausted, and while I was pulling out of my parking space. I backed right into the front right corner of the car behind me. I've hit two cars in the past month. Today made my third. I freaked out. I got out of the car, and looked.
My car was fine, as usual. Their car was dented, but no cracks, no paint issues, perfectly drivable. I looked around. Nobody had seen me. So, after standing there debating this moral decision, I went with what I knew was wrong. Instead of giving the poor guy my information and risk having my insurance revoked, I left.
I felt awful. I still do, I've just gotten the event out of my head. But that was really shitty of me. Really shitty. Probably ranks in the top five shittiest things I've ever done. So dude, I'm sorry. Really. I wish I could have told him I'd pay for the repairs if he promised not to go to the insurance company, but I couldn't risk it. I need my car for my job. I'm a shitty driver, but I need to drive in order to make a living.
What's done is done, though. Maybe I can do something to make up for it karmically. I hope so.
My car was fine, as usual. Their car was dented, but no cracks, no paint issues, perfectly drivable. I looked around. Nobody had seen me. So, after standing there debating this moral decision, I went with what I knew was wrong. Instead of giving the poor guy my information and risk having my insurance revoked, I left.
I felt awful. I still do, I've just gotten the event out of my head. But that was really shitty of me. Really shitty. Probably ranks in the top five shittiest things I've ever done. So dude, I'm sorry. Really. I wish I could have told him I'd pay for the repairs if he promised not to go to the insurance company, but I couldn't risk it. I need my car for my job. I'm a shitty driver, but I need to drive in order to make a living.
What's done is done, though. Maybe I can do something to make up for it karmically. I hope so.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Attitude
For some bizarre reason Rui's words have stuck with me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I see some of myself in him and visa-versa, but I really believed a lot of what he said.
So I've been reflecting alot lately. Or more accurately not reflecting.
I've been thinking lately that perhaps I have an attitude problem. I'm depressed, unbalanced, sure. That's why moods will randomly come over me. But lately I've been feeling merely OK with periods of depression, instead of great with periods of depression. Perhaps this is because I have a miserable attitude, because I'm focused on what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with me. I have passively accepted the fact that I'm depressed and miserable, instead of fighting it. Well, maybe it's time I transition into fighting this thing.
I had issues when I was at my peak, right after the Ned Lamont campaign. I was just over alot of it. I buried some of it, and had gotten over some of it. Maybe I should just bury some of these issues, ignore them and move on. This will calm me down, make me more relaxed and likable, and thereby address some of my feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance.
Am I in a place where I can say, fuck it, I'm alright, I'm in a good place, and it's time to just throw it all to the wind? It's weird. To say it's time to move on and get over it, to become happy sounds wrong. To say it's time to say fuck it sounds much more right. Because that's what it's about. I'm not moving on. I'm not getting over anything. I will still feel sad, still feel depressed, still miss Shayne. I just will stop investing so much of myself in these emotions. Instead of making my life about being depressed, I will make my life about work, travel, friends, prepping for school.
Is that healthy? Shayne brought these feelings up, encouraged me to address these deep-seated insecurities. And after having done so, what I'm proposing is to basically bury them again, unsolved. Or is it unrealistic to think I can solve these depressing thoughts, and instead better to just put them away and have them slowly fade? I don't know, I'll talk to the shrink tomorrow.
So maybe I just need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I just need to accept my situation, accept how I feel. Not fight it, but accept it, and begin to make the best of it. No, not even make the best of it, but choose to stop bemoaning and mourning my sorry life. It's not my sorry life, it's just my life, and I'm in a rough patch, but I'm getting over it, and good times are ahead.
So, let me give it a try. To say all this time, I just had a bad attitude might make me feel a little selfish, pathetic even. But it shouldn't. That's just the way it was. Accept it, don't bemoan it.
This might just work. I can tell even now that seeing or talking to Shayne would ruin this entirely, so sadly I can't do that. And my situation with women isn't going to improve anytime soon. But when you're looking for women, at best you get pussy. You find good girlfriends when you're not looking. So, I just need to be patient. Hopefully I'll find someone in the first semester at Macalester. But the nice thing is, that is far more likely to happen if I'm in a place where I don't need it to happen.
So, to all my readers out there, I'm sorry that this has been a rambling mess of a post. I might go back and edit it at some point. But I'm excited to talk to my doc about this. I hope he agrees. I think this might work.
So I've been reflecting alot lately. Or more accurately not reflecting.
I've been thinking lately that perhaps I have an attitude problem. I'm depressed, unbalanced, sure. That's why moods will randomly come over me. But lately I've been feeling merely OK with periods of depression, instead of great with periods of depression. Perhaps this is because I have a miserable attitude, because I'm focused on what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with me. I have passively accepted the fact that I'm depressed and miserable, instead of fighting it. Well, maybe it's time I transition into fighting this thing.
I had issues when I was at my peak, right after the Ned Lamont campaign. I was just over alot of it. I buried some of it, and had gotten over some of it. Maybe I should just bury some of these issues, ignore them and move on. This will calm me down, make me more relaxed and likable, and thereby address some of my feelings of inadequacy and nonacceptance.
Am I in a place where I can say, fuck it, I'm alright, I'm in a good place, and it's time to just throw it all to the wind? It's weird. To say it's time to move on and get over it, to become happy sounds wrong. To say it's time to say fuck it sounds much more right. Because that's what it's about. I'm not moving on. I'm not getting over anything. I will still feel sad, still feel depressed, still miss Shayne. I just will stop investing so much of myself in these emotions. Instead of making my life about being depressed, I will make my life about work, travel, friends, prepping for school.
Is that healthy? Shayne brought these feelings up, encouraged me to address these deep-seated insecurities. And after having done so, what I'm proposing is to basically bury them again, unsolved. Or is it unrealistic to think I can solve these depressing thoughts, and instead better to just put them away and have them slowly fade? I don't know, I'll talk to the shrink tomorrow.
So maybe I just need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I just need to accept my situation, accept how I feel. Not fight it, but accept it, and begin to make the best of it. No, not even make the best of it, but choose to stop bemoaning and mourning my sorry life. It's not my sorry life, it's just my life, and I'm in a rough patch, but I'm getting over it, and good times are ahead.
So, let me give it a try. To say all this time, I just had a bad attitude might make me feel a little selfish, pathetic even. But it shouldn't. That's just the way it was. Accept it, don't bemoan it.
This might just work. I can tell even now that seeing or talking to Shayne would ruin this entirely, so sadly I can't do that. And my situation with women isn't going to improve anytime soon. But when you're looking for women, at best you get pussy. You find good girlfriends when you're not looking. So, I just need to be patient. Hopefully I'll find someone in the first semester at Macalester. But the nice thing is, that is far more likely to happen if I'm in a place where I don't need it to happen.
So, to all my readers out there, I'm sorry that this has been a rambling mess of a post. I might go back and edit it at some point. But I'm excited to talk to my doc about this. I hope he agrees. I think this might work.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A few Rui-inspired thoughts...
Ok, so I just need to jot down a few thoughts, which I may or may not expound upon tomorrow.
This guy at work, Rui, has been reading the blog, and apparently spent way too much time thinking about my life. That said, he had some interesting thoughts, which I need to reflect upon. Here are my thoughts:
A) Is it possible that I am exaggerating my depression for the attention? And even if I am, why do I need all this attention then?
B) I had problems after Ned Lamont. All my insecurities were still there. I wasn't instantly self confident, I had just come to terms with the fact that I was insecure, and did what I could to overcome this fact. I buried it, and didn't let my moments of unconfortableness get me down. Can I do that now? Is it healthy not to deal with these insecurities, and to just bury them?
C) What am I looking for? What is it, specifically, that I feel is missing from my life? Rui seems to believe that I'm just looking for constant affirmation, affirmation that I just can't get all the time. I'd say that's half right. I'm not looking for affirmation so much as I'm looking for a feeling of acceptance and belonging. I'm very unsettled right now, very uncomfortable with my position in life.
I'm not looking for love and affirmation so much as I'm looking for security. I want to feel secure in my social position, feel secure that I have people who care about me. And when you're so insecure about these things, notes of encouragement help one feel secure in one's place. Towards the end of senior year at school, I really felt secure in my place. Shayne helped me feel secure, cared for, and I knew exactly where I was socially, and I had those I could turn to at a moment's notice, making me feel accepted. I just want to be a part of a group, really. I want to feel like I belong, like I click, like I'm not a liability but a respected asset to the group.
Respect is another big thing I'm looking for, long term at least.
So, maybe I'll write more about these topics tomorrow, but right now I'm sleepy. Suffice it to say, Rui gave me much cud to chew.
Night.
This guy at work, Rui, has been reading the blog, and apparently spent way too much time thinking about my life. That said, he had some interesting thoughts, which I need to reflect upon. Here are my thoughts:
A) Is it possible that I am exaggerating my depression for the attention? And even if I am, why do I need all this attention then?
B) I had problems after Ned Lamont. All my insecurities were still there. I wasn't instantly self confident, I had just come to terms with the fact that I was insecure, and did what I could to overcome this fact. I buried it, and didn't let my moments of unconfortableness get me down. Can I do that now? Is it healthy not to deal with these insecurities, and to just bury them?
C) What am I looking for? What is it, specifically, that I feel is missing from my life? Rui seems to believe that I'm just looking for constant affirmation, affirmation that I just can't get all the time. I'd say that's half right. I'm not looking for affirmation so much as I'm looking for a feeling of acceptance and belonging. I'm very unsettled right now, very uncomfortable with my position in life.
I'm not looking for love and affirmation so much as I'm looking for security. I want to feel secure in my social position, feel secure that I have people who care about me. And when you're so insecure about these things, notes of encouragement help one feel secure in one's place. Towards the end of senior year at school, I really felt secure in my place. Shayne helped me feel secure, cared for, and I knew exactly where I was socially, and I had those I could turn to at a moment's notice, making me feel accepted. I just want to be a part of a group, really. I want to feel like I belong, like I click, like I'm not a liability but a respected asset to the group.
Respect is another big thing I'm looking for, long term at least.
So, maybe I'll write more about these topics tomorrow, but right now I'm sleepy. Suffice it to say, Rui gave me much cud to chew.
Night.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
In My Defense
I did write one post about my trip to New Hampshire which didn't dwell on my mood. So there. Nyah.
Seriously, I want to respond to Liz's comment here, instead of emailing her or something, because she raised a few interesting points which I want to explore.
As far as Shayne goes, I have actually been pretty good about not talking to her, and I've been thinking about her less and less. I know we're never going to get back together, and the thought rarely crosses my head. I missed her at midnight last night, and I was lonely because the whole ball drop and everything reminded me of being with her at new years, when we were particularly sweet to eachother. But on the whole, getting back together with her is like becoming a CEO - something that could happen after college that would be really nice, but is very unlikely and I'm not even sure I want. Still, a guy can think wistfully about life as a CEO every now and again.
No, the reason I've gotten a little worse, and even bitchy in my comments - "oh, look at me, I'm sad and helpless" - is because I've gotten frustrated. I used to know that I was going to get better. Shayne would slowly fade, I would have a job and earn income and feel better about myself, I would keep myself busy and focus on the future, spend time with my friends and eventually get my life on track. The trip would follow, as would school, and bing! -- I'd be laughing and smiling and, aside from an occasional twinge of longing for Shayne, would be back to my old self. I'd find a girl, either abroad or at school, make friends, feel loved and on track in my life, and all would be well.
But none of that is happening. Sure, Shayne is fading (albeit painfully slowly), and I have my life on track to a certain extent. But still, inexplicably, I don't feel more self confident, I don't feel closer to being well. I'm a hell of alot better than I was before I had a job and was on pills, but the past few weeks or so have seen little progress. I feel mostly ok - not great, but ok - with occasional bouts of wanting to cry, or suicidal urges, or I-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-disappear urges. I will have vague notions of specific thoughts - Shayne, self-critisizing - but the predominant feeling is one of extreme hopelessness. I may think that I have no reason to be hopeless, but rarely do specific thoughts cross my mind during these moods. Emotion takes over. Then it passes, and I'm being entertained with my friends.
However at no time, ok mood or no, do I feel truly joyful, or loved, no matter how loved I am, or how joyful I should be. And I have no clue why. And the pills don't provide answers, and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a while, and won't until next friday, and I doubt he'll have any answers. So yes, the thought crosses my mind that maybe this is all there is for a while. If I build the trip or college to be these things that will fix everything, then they'll fix nothing. And I think I have to go into them feeling better than ok, and they will just ensure I don't fall back into feeling shitty. If that makes sense. It does in my head.
At any rate, that's why lately I've been down on my chances. And as far as going into the new year feeling down about the future, I have the highest hopes for this year. If there's going to be a year I get better, it's this one. Lots more changes to come, but I've gotten better at handling them. Besides, they're all pretty sweet changes. New countries, new people, new home, new lifestyle. But if there's one thing 2007 has taught me, it's that all too often seemingly good changes end up falling apart, leaving you sobbing in a corner. So, I'm cautious, doubtful even that my hopes are founded. And underneath it all is this randomly occuring feeling of complete hopelessness.
I know, those friends who are reading this, I know how tough this must be for you, as well as for me. You don't know how to help me? I don't know how you can help me. Your physical presence does help, as do your kind words. Really, the messages are some of the few things that make me feel better than ok during the day. I haven't felt as loved in months as when I read Liz's letter. But I have so little time, and so much work to do, and y'all are so far away most of the time. You aren't going to do it by yourselves, and the pills aren't doing anything, work is taking my mind off of things, but not actually improving anything, my doctor doesn't like me that much and is increasingly becoming useless, and my mom, bless her soul, has "I love you"'d herself into a corner. I've begun to take her unconditional love for granted.
So, despite all my support, I still feel lost and discouraged. And the fact that that sentence is true makes me feel a little pathetic. But it's how I feel. I don't know what to do about it, but it's how I feel.
I love you all. I really do.
Seriously, I want to respond to Liz's comment here, instead of emailing her or something, because she raised a few interesting points which I want to explore.
As far as Shayne goes, I have actually been pretty good about not talking to her, and I've been thinking about her less and less. I know we're never going to get back together, and the thought rarely crosses my head. I missed her at midnight last night, and I was lonely because the whole ball drop and everything reminded me of being with her at new years, when we were particularly sweet to eachother. But on the whole, getting back together with her is like becoming a CEO - something that could happen after college that would be really nice, but is very unlikely and I'm not even sure I want. Still, a guy can think wistfully about life as a CEO every now and again.
No, the reason I've gotten a little worse, and even bitchy in my comments - "oh, look at me, I'm sad and helpless" - is because I've gotten frustrated. I used to know that I was going to get better. Shayne would slowly fade, I would have a job and earn income and feel better about myself, I would keep myself busy and focus on the future, spend time with my friends and eventually get my life on track. The trip would follow, as would school, and bing! -- I'd be laughing and smiling and, aside from an occasional twinge of longing for Shayne, would be back to my old self. I'd find a girl, either abroad or at school, make friends, feel loved and on track in my life, and all would be well.
But none of that is happening. Sure, Shayne is fading (albeit painfully slowly), and I have my life on track to a certain extent. But still, inexplicably, I don't feel more self confident, I don't feel closer to being well. I'm a hell of alot better than I was before I had a job and was on pills, but the past few weeks or so have seen little progress. I feel mostly ok - not great, but ok - with occasional bouts of wanting to cry, or suicidal urges, or I-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-disappear urges. I will have vague notions of specific thoughts - Shayne, self-critisizing - but the predominant feeling is one of extreme hopelessness. I may think that I have no reason to be hopeless, but rarely do specific thoughts cross my mind during these moods. Emotion takes over. Then it passes, and I'm being entertained with my friends.
However at no time, ok mood or no, do I feel truly joyful, or loved, no matter how loved I am, or how joyful I should be. And I have no clue why. And the pills don't provide answers, and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a while, and won't until next friday, and I doubt he'll have any answers. So yes, the thought crosses my mind that maybe this is all there is for a while. If I build the trip or college to be these things that will fix everything, then they'll fix nothing. And I think I have to go into them feeling better than ok, and they will just ensure I don't fall back into feeling shitty. If that makes sense. It does in my head.
At any rate, that's why lately I've been down on my chances. And as far as going into the new year feeling down about the future, I have the highest hopes for this year. If there's going to be a year I get better, it's this one. Lots more changes to come, but I've gotten better at handling them. Besides, they're all pretty sweet changes. New countries, new people, new home, new lifestyle. But if there's one thing 2007 has taught me, it's that all too often seemingly good changes end up falling apart, leaving you sobbing in a corner. So, I'm cautious, doubtful even that my hopes are founded. And underneath it all is this randomly occuring feeling of complete hopelessness.
I know, those friends who are reading this, I know how tough this must be for you, as well as for me. You don't know how to help me? I don't know how you can help me. Your physical presence does help, as do your kind words. Really, the messages are some of the few things that make me feel better than ok during the day. I haven't felt as loved in months as when I read Liz's letter. But I have so little time, and so much work to do, and y'all are so far away most of the time. You aren't going to do it by yourselves, and the pills aren't doing anything, work is taking my mind off of things, but not actually improving anything, my doctor doesn't like me that much and is increasingly becoming useless, and my mom, bless her soul, has "I love you"'d herself into a corner. I've begun to take her unconditional love for granted.
So, despite all my support, I still feel lost and discouraged. And the fact that that sentence is true makes me feel a little pathetic. But it's how I feel. I don't know what to do about it, but it's how I feel.
I love you all. I really do.
So this is the new year...
And I don't feel any different.
I talked to Shayne today for the first time in weeks. I sent her a message on Facebook, saying I missed her at midnight, and I hoped she was having a good time. She said happy new year, hope you're feeling alright. Well I'm not.
As midnight approached, and my friends began to wear on me (we were playing Trivial Pursuit. Really? Trivial Pursuit?), I just began to feel miserable. Last year this time I was literally mid-coitus. Now I'm stuck here playing Trivial Pursuit, with no one to kiss. Shayne's probably at some party, hitting it off with some guy. Who knows who she kissed. I know I just hung my head, wanting to cry but unable to.
Why won't this heartache go away? Why can't I get better? Why won't this end?
Fuck the new year. True, there are good things planned (the trip, starting school), but they'll all go to shit just like all my other good things. The trip will be disappointing, I will have few friends at school. It all goes to shit, and I'll have a whole year of it in 2008. So fuck it. I just want all this to end.
Happy fucking new year. May yours go beter than mine.
I talked to Shayne today for the first time in weeks. I sent her a message on Facebook, saying I missed her at midnight, and I hoped she was having a good time. She said happy new year, hope you're feeling alright. Well I'm not.
As midnight approached, and my friends began to wear on me (we were playing Trivial Pursuit. Really? Trivial Pursuit?), I just began to feel miserable. Last year this time I was literally mid-coitus. Now I'm stuck here playing Trivial Pursuit, with no one to kiss. Shayne's probably at some party, hitting it off with some guy. Who knows who she kissed. I know I just hung my head, wanting to cry but unable to.
Why won't this heartache go away? Why can't I get better? Why won't this end?
Fuck the new year. True, there are good things planned (the trip, starting school), but they'll all go to shit just like all my other good things. The trip will be disappointing, I will have few friends at school. It all goes to shit, and I'll have a whole year of it in 2008. So fuck it. I just want all this to end.
Happy fucking new year. May yours go beter than mine.
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