Serenity Now!!

Today I drove up to Albany to see Dad argue his case in front of the New York Court of Appeals, the highest court in the state. It was a real honor, and I was really impressed. He got hammered by the judges. The questions were relentless. I'm not sure who's going to win, but it was really neat to see my dad being a lawyer -- talking with his equals, nervous. It was a step down from his usual roles, as either a tireless mule or a small man (when he's being beaten down by his girlfriend) or a near-superhuman figure. At that moment I could really relate to him. I have been in his exact same position before, and it was gratifying to see that he performed about as well as I think I would have had I been in his shoes. That is to say, I saw him as a peer, and it was an interesting change of perspective.

But that's not really what I want to talk about.

Albany is a gorgeous city. It reminded me alot of Quebec City really, with a New England twist. Even better though was the drive up. I took Rt. 44 to Rt. 8 north, through Northwestern CT and the Berkshires. It was spectacular. The trees all had just a bit of snow on them, I was driving small windy two-lane roads through mountains and forests, with majestic frozen lakes right next to me. For a while I was following a river, and every hundred feet or so it would peak out. My laptop was picking out all the best songs, "Vito's Ordination Song" by Sufjan Stevens standing out in particular. Calming, peaceful, happy, beautiful music. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was happy.

Not happy in the sense that something great just happened. No, perhaps a better word is contentment. Serenity. I thought of Shayne a bit on the trip, but it didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I was able to remember the good times, and when my thoughts began to turn sour I chuckled and was able to change my focus to the good things in my life. But aside from those brief moments, I didn't have to struggle to stay positive. For once, everything was right with the world.

And then it hit me. That's what has changed. It's not that my friends have moved away, or Shayne has left me, or that I'm lonely, or fat, or anything like that. No, it's that I've lost that sense of comfort, of security, of everything being right with the world.

(Don't cha just love the near-daily epiphanies? But I think this one's gonna stick.)

I haven't written too much about this, but all of Junior year I was single, and yet I didn't care at all. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was just fine. I didn't spend too much time with my friends, but I knew where to find them, and I enjoyed the time I did spend with them. I had my computer games, and I was content. I would say the first half of Senior year, when I had Shayne and my memories of the Ned Lamont campaign, I was happier, but still. Getting to where I was Junior year is a good goal - I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was ok with that. I had my ups, my downs, and my midpoints. All in all, it was an above-average year, a year where I was beginning to become comfortable in my skin.

And I'm no longer comfortable in my skin. I haven't felt like I did on that drive in months. I wasn't distracted from my thoughts. I've been happy during this period of depression, but always with the potential to quickly slide back into it. It's hard to describe - it's like I'm at the edge of a vast abyss, standing on a very rickety ledge supported by pills and recent, temporary events. Without those pills, and without those temporary events, I would be in the pits of depression. And I can tell. The happiness itself has a hollow quality about it, like it's tempered by it's fleeting nature.

But today wasn't like that. Today was sure and strong and proud. Today was better. For an hour, I was better. I recognized that feeling afterwards, realized the last time I felt that I was walking down Founders Quad, knowing that everything was ok and that I was in a good place. The natural beauty of the quad, like the natural beauty of that road, would impart a sense of rightness. And whenever I was stressed, or worried, I just needed to walk down that road with a plan in my head, and realize that everything was going to be ok, because I knew where I was, and where I was going.

Well, now I have very rough ideas of both. It's a scary thing. And no, everything doesn't feel fine, it doesn't feel like everything is necessarily going to be ok. Maybe the sudden nature of Shayne's dumping me, or the way I went in a week from a girlfriend and a job to no girlfriend and no job prospects, or how over the course of the past nine months my plan, my knowledge of where I was going, how all that got turned on it's head, maybe these things shook up my sense of the world? The world went from being a good place, a comforting place, to a scary, random place, where pits of horrors could open up in a second? You can never feel safe.

I want to feel safe, secure, sure of myself and the world around me. I realize that might be alot to ask, but it shouldn't be. And those four things are good goals to work towards achieving. I would say right now I'm on track, I have a plan, I just need to start to put that plan into action and internalize the fact that yes, I am ok. Yes, things will work out. Everything will be ok. And most importantly, even if everything isn't, well, that doesn't matter too much, so long as everything's right with the world.