A few Rui-inspired thoughts...

Ok, so I just need to jot down a few thoughts, which I may or may not expound upon tomorrow.

This guy at work, Rui, has been reading the blog, and apparently spent way too much time thinking about my life. That said, he had some interesting thoughts, which I need to reflect upon. Here are my thoughts:

A) Is it possible that I am exaggerating my depression for the attention? And even if I am, why do I need all this attention then?

B) I had problems after Ned Lamont. All my insecurities were still there. I wasn't instantly self confident, I had just come to terms with the fact that I was insecure, and did what I could to overcome this fact. I buried it, and didn't let my moments of unconfortableness get me down. Can I do that now? Is it healthy not to deal with these insecurities, and to just bury them?

C) What am I looking for? What is it, specifically, that I feel is missing from my life? Rui seems to believe that I'm just looking for constant affirmation, affirmation that I just can't get all the time. I'd say that's half right. I'm not looking for affirmation so much as I'm looking for a feeling of acceptance and belonging. I'm very unsettled right now, very uncomfortable with my position in life.

I'm not looking for love and affirmation so much as I'm looking for security. I want to feel secure in my social position, feel secure that I have people who care about me. And when you're so insecure about these things, notes of encouragement help one feel secure in one's place. Towards the end of senior year at school, I really felt secure in my place. Shayne helped me feel secure, cared for, and I knew exactly where I was socially, and I had those I could turn to at a moment's notice, making me feel accepted. I just want to be a part of a group, really. I want to feel like I belong, like I click, like I'm not a liability but a respected asset to the group.

Respect is another big thing I'm looking for, long term at least.

So, maybe I'll write more about these topics tomorrow, but right now I'm sleepy. Suffice it to say, Rui gave me much cud to chew.

Night.