Sorry I've been breaking my one-post-a-night rule, but honestly, I haven't been compelled to write that much lately. I'm feeling much more... normal. Except for this whole Shayne thing. That's just frustrating me more than anything else. But aside from that, I've felt it much more important to sleep than vent. So, in that spirit, hopefully this will be a short post.
Now, about Shayne. It would be so much easier if I just said, Joe, it's pointless and stupid to be thinking about her. It's in the past, and you have a bright future with many perfectly satisfying women to look forward to.
And yet...
The way things ended really annoys me. I want a second chance. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I like myself, and I'm ready to stop working solely on making myself better. And above all else, it seems like I have a choice: I can choose to try and fail right now to get back the girl who could be "the one", or never speak to her again.
Right now, she's poised to forever be the one that got away. That magical girl who I somehow lost. If, however, we could part on amicable terms, with her even remembering why she loved me, maybe I could become her "one who got away" as well. Then, when I come back from college or something, I would still have a chance.
I'm afraid that the chances of this actually working are slim to none, and that I might just make myself sad again by doing this and getting rejected. Hell, she probably wants nothing to do with me at this point. But...
I can't do friendship. That would still just be too painful. So I have no reason to talk to her before I leave. And I doubt I'm going to be spending too much time at home over summer break (or at least I hope I won't). So we're talking four or five years before I even have another shot with Shayne. And chances are by then I will have lost track of her, or she'll be in Washington, or somewhere else entirely, and by then it'll be too late.
That's a really sad thought. I was serious when I told her I hoped we'd marry in ten years time. But I just don't see that happening. Not unless I remind her why she fell in love with me. Not unless I plant a seed of longing in her mind. Otherwise, I have to say goodbye forever, and I don't want to do that. She was, is, too special to allow that to happen.
Damn I'm in a tough place.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Am I ready?
Shayne's been on my mind alot lately, but in a good way. Maybe.
My newfound appreciation of life has left me feeling very much like I did before I became depressed, and lately I've been thinking "well, the only thing that's missing is Shayne!" For weeks whenever this question comes up, I've just said, "well, a few more weeks," but now I'm wondering if it really is a matter of a few weeks until I ask her.
Clearly things are much more complicated than that, but really, I've begun wondering if maybe I'm healthy enough to consider asking Shayne out on that "First Date: Redux" I proposed in some grief-stricken stupor a while back. Would I be ok if she rejected me? Is there any chance of it going well? What if she just wants to be friends again? What if my schedule gets in the way?
Sooo many questions, too few answers. That's why I really wanted to talk to my shrink, to talk to him about this.
She's been on my mind quite a bit, but it's no longer a torturous thought. Today I thought about her so much, I actually got sick with nervousness. I'm not sure that that's a sign that this isn't a good idea, however. When I think about her, I'm not thinking about the past anymore. I'm thinking about the future, about the potential that's there. I'm excited. I don't mourn anymore. Is it so bad to think about a person like this? After all, I would be so excited/nervous whenever I thought about Shayne in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's normal to be thinking about someone alot, and getting all worked up about someone, when you like them and you think there may be a shot?
Of course, there is the matter of time. I'm leaving in under two months now. We'd have a month, month and a half at best together, and even then my schedule's not that great. Would it be worth it? Would she think it would be worth it? I say, I wouldn't mind enjoying it while I can, but I'm not sure she'd want to get her heart broken again when I leave.
I can't wait to talk to Dr. Freedman about all this.
My newfound appreciation of life has left me feeling very much like I did before I became depressed, and lately I've been thinking "well, the only thing that's missing is Shayne!" For weeks whenever this question comes up, I've just said, "well, a few more weeks," but now I'm wondering if it really is a matter of a few weeks until I ask her.
Clearly things are much more complicated than that, but really, I've begun wondering if maybe I'm healthy enough to consider asking Shayne out on that "First Date: Redux" I proposed in some grief-stricken stupor a while back. Would I be ok if she rejected me? Is there any chance of it going well? What if she just wants to be friends again? What if my schedule gets in the way?
Sooo many questions, too few answers. That's why I really wanted to talk to my shrink, to talk to him about this.
She's been on my mind quite a bit, but it's no longer a torturous thought. Today I thought about her so much, I actually got sick with nervousness. I'm not sure that that's a sign that this isn't a good idea, however. When I think about her, I'm not thinking about the past anymore. I'm thinking about the future, about the potential that's there. I'm excited. I don't mourn anymore. Is it so bad to think about a person like this? After all, I would be so excited/nervous whenever I thought about Shayne in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's normal to be thinking about someone alot, and getting all worked up about someone, when you like them and you think there may be a shot?
Of course, there is the matter of time. I'm leaving in under two months now. We'd have a month, month and a half at best together, and even then my schedule's not that great. Would it be worth it? Would she think it would be worth it? I say, I wouldn't mind enjoying it while I can, but I'm not sure she'd want to get her heart broken again when I leave.
I can't wait to talk to Dr. Freedman about all this.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Vito's Ordination Song
Driving up last Thursday, Vito's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens began playing. At the end, it just repeats the following four lines over and over, in the most comforting voice imaginable:
Rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed
There's a design
To what I did and said
Ostensibly the song is about Sufjan telling his friend, Vito, the depth of his love for him, and in fact comparing it to Christ's love. But, when I heard that, the longing I had for those lyrics to be true, for there to be a God singing to me "Rest, there's a design," it was simply overwhelming. I nearly cried, driving up Rt. 44 in Barkhamsted.
I'm not a religious man. But lately, this whole depression thing has made me wish I was one. The idea that, despite all that has gone on, there's a design to this, that I don't have to worry or despair because while things may be bad now, it's for the best, and I just need to trust in something more powerful than myself, that idea spoke directly to me. It's exactly what I want to be true, and exactly what I felt wasn't true. My world had lost all order, and I was powerless. Even thinking about it now is making me emotional.
When I was a child, my parents would come in to pick up the pieces. Now, they can help with money, but my problems are my own. I want some sort of authority figure to come in, pat me on the head, tell me everything's ok, and let me rest. Maybe it's part of becoming a man, but I want to be taken care of, and I'm struggling with letting go and learning how to be self-reliant.
I've even strongly considered going to church. I still intend to. During a particularly bad mood, I made a promise that if things turned around today, I would begin to attend, and that day they did. I'm not saying God heard me, but I am respectful enough that I decided I need to go.
See, here's the thing. If there's one thing I'm missing in my life, it's a support network I can rely on. It used to be my friends, but they're far away now. I want to feel like I have people to talk to, people who love me. I know I do, but, and I can't really explain it, I feel like church would help. It's the whole community thing - to know that there's a room full of people who care about you, simply because it's the right thing to do. To know that there's a guy, a pastor or whatever, who would freely do whatever he can to help me, simply out of love for his fellow man -- well, that's a powerful thing.
Of course, it would need to be the right church, and the right pastor. I would need to shop around for a bit. But having heard stories, and having seen my evangelical relatives, I think what I'm looking for is a pastor who is faithful because of Jesus's love. He feels overwhelming love, and wants to imbue you with that love. The political side of my evangelical relatives can be ugly, but the love they have for everyone and everything on this planet is incredible, and it's not something I see in my secular life.
But yes, I have begun to flirt with religion, if only for the comfort it gives. I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe in the existence of an omnipotent being, or that Jesus was magical. But let me tell you what I can believe in.
If a group of people take Jesus's teaching's seriously, and support eachother, help eachother and those around them, truly love them for who they are, and fight injustice, help the needy, the poor, the weak, etc., if a group of people try to learn from this man's teachings, then you can rest in God's arms, sleep soundly, because God is in each and every one of those souls. You don't need an omnipotent being when you have eachother.
I think I'm going to attend a few services while I'm in Europe. And I think I'll meet up with that evangelist in Bejing my cousins know. Maybe I'll find myself closer to God.
Rest in my arms
Sleep in my bed
There's a design
To what I did and said
Ostensibly the song is about Sufjan telling his friend, Vito, the depth of his love for him, and in fact comparing it to Christ's love. But, when I heard that, the longing I had for those lyrics to be true, for there to be a God singing to me "Rest, there's a design," it was simply overwhelming. I nearly cried, driving up Rt. 44 in Barkhamsted.
I'm not a religious man. But lately, this whole depression thing has made me wish I was one. The idea that, despite all that has gone on, there's a design to this, that I don't have to worry or despair because while things may be bad now, it's for the best, and I just need to trust in something more powerful than myself, that idea spoke directly to me. It's exactly what I want to be true, and exactly what I felt wasn't true. My world had lost all order, and I was powerless. Even thinking about it now is making me emotional.
When I was a child, my parents would come in to pick up the pieces. Now, they can help with money, but my problems are my own. I want some sort of authority figure to come in, pat me on the head, tell me everything's ok, and let me rest. Maybe it's part of becoming a man, but I want to be taken care of, and I'm struggling with letting go and learning how to be self-reliant.
I've even strongly considered going to church. I still intend to. During a particularly bad mood, I made a promise that if things turned around today, I would begin to attend, and that day they did. I'm not saying God heard me, but I am respectful enough that I decided I need to go.
See, here's the thing. If there's one thing I'm missing in my life, it's a support network I can rely on. It used to be my friends, but they're far away now. I want to feel like I have people to talk to, people who love me. I know I do, but, and I can't really explain it, I feel like church would help. It's the whole community thing - to know that there's a room full of people who care about you, simply because it's the right thing to do. To know that there's a guy, a pastor or whatever, who would freely do whatever he can to help me, simply out of love for his fellow man -- well, that's a powerful thing.
Of course, it would need to be the right church, and the right pastor. I would need to shop around for a bit. But having heard stories, and having seen my evangelical relatives, I think what I'm looking for is a pastor who is faithful because of Jesus's love. He feels overwhelming love, and wants to imbue you with that love. The political side of my evangelical relatives can be ugly, but the love they have for everyone and everything on this planet is incredible, and it's not something I see in my secular life.
But yes, I have begun to flirt with religion, if only for the comfort it gives. I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe in the existence of an omnipotent being, or that Jesus was magical. But let me tell you what I can believe in.
If a group of people take Jesus's teaching's seriously, and support eachother, help eachother and those around them, truly love them for who they are, and fight injustice, help the needy, the poor, the weak, etc., if a group of people try to learn from this man's teachings, then you can rest in God's arms, sleep soundly, because God is in each and every one of those souls. You don't need an omnipotent being when you have eachother.
I think I'm going to attend a few services while I'm in Europe. And I think I'll meet up with that evangelist in Bejing my cousins know. Maybe I'll find myself closer to God.
Feeling Better
I'm beginning to feel better. Actually, alot better. That feeling I had driving up to Albany last Thursday? It's been sticking with me, to varying degrees. I'm still thinking about Shayne alot, but not obsessively, and more importantly not maddeningly. The thought of her excites me more than anything else. She's this cute girl who I think I might have a shot with, and I'm getting over all the history with her. I'm thinking about the future, and it looks good.
At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.
Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.
So, this situation poses a few questions.
Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.
My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.
Relatedly...
Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.
Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '
Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?
I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.
Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.
Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.
At work, I enjoy joking around with my coworkers. I'm beginning to force myself to get more sleep, and as a result I feel more energetic and upbeat. In fact, the reason I haven't written here in a while is because I haven't felt a compulsion to. Or, at least, I've felt sleep was more important than therapy (and I do consider this therapeutic). I'll write a few posts tonight to make up for it, I promise.
Sleep, food, and keeping busy has helped alot. In fact, computer games have lost some of their appeal to me. I feel like I should be out working, or with friends. You know, actually doing something with my life. I feel more... grounded, I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet again. Instead of struggling, I'm surviving, and surviving quite easily at that. My moments of happiness are not tinged with sadness, and I have moments of daring, joy, and even (gasp!) pride. I feel like, while things may not be ideal, on the whole I'm doing well. I'm busy, and I'm enjoying life, and while I may not have alot, I have enough.
So, this situation poses a few questions.
Is this gonna be permanent? How resilient is this? (How resilient am I?) Right after the pills kicked in for the first time, I felt wonderful. I felt even better than this. Then I had an awkward hookup with Shayne which ended very badly, and I felt worse than ever. A week or two later she had sex with another guy, and I hit rock bottom.
My feelings of joy proved temporary and fleeting. I don't want to start putting myself out there only to find the slightest thing will ruin my months of recovery.
Relatedly...
Am I ready to interact with Shayne again?
I'll cover this in greater detail in another post, but in short, I wish I knew. Again, a slight rejection from Shayne tipped me way way down, but at some point I should be "better", and ready to interact with women again.
Am I really "better?"
Or do I still need a few weeks? It's been so long since I've felt anything like this, I wish I could tell if this is good mental health, or if I'm still depressed at all. I don't feel too depressed, but it's hard to tell sometimes what's normal and what's unhealthy. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at deluding myself into thinking crazy thoughts are perfectly normal. '
Basically, I'm really worried about the medium-term picture. Long-term, I know I've made big progress on the path to recovery. Short term, I don't see anything happening that will bring me down. I still need to take my pills, but I'm in a good place. Over the next few weeks though, I don't know whether this is going to improve, stabilize, or just end up being a temporary blip. Am I ready for a relationship yet? And if not, what do I need to feel in order to be ready? Can I be friends with Shayne, or even something more, or is that just going to fuck everything up again?
I wish it wasn't going to snow tonight. I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and now it looks like I won't be able to. I really want to talk to him about this stuff.
Recovery can be really difficult. But at least now I have a bit of pride. I can take pride in my hard work, pride in my skill, pride in myself. I need to make sure I hang on to that. I lost that a while before I lost Shayne.
Maybe that's the answer. If I do start to look for Shayne, or whatever, I need to be sure to keep my pride. I'm a good person, dammit. I'm a good friend, a good worker, a good boyfriend, and a good lover. *grin* Clichéd though it may be, the only person who can take my pride away is myself, and I have to be sure I don't do that again.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Serenity Now!!
Today I drove up to Albany to see Dad argue his case in front of the New York Court of Appeals, the highest court in the state. It was a real honor, and I was really impressed. He got hammered by the judges. The questions were relentless. I'm not sure who's going to win, but it was really neat to see my dad being a lawyer -- talking with his equals, nervous. It was a step down from his usual roles, as either a tireless mule or a small man (when he's being beaten down by his girlfriend) or a near-superhuman figure. At that moment I could really relate to him. I have been in his exact same position before, and it was gratifying to see that he performed about as well as I think I would have had I been in his shoes. That is to say, I saw him as a peer, and it was an interesting change of perspective.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
Albany is a gorgeous city. It reminded me alot of Quebec City really, with a New England twist. Even better though was the drive up. I took Rt. 44 to Rt. 8 north, through Northwestern CT and the Berkshires. It was spectacular. The trees all had just a bit of snow on them, I was driving small windy two-lane roads through mountains and forests, with majestic frozen lakes right next to me. For a while I was following a river, and every hundred feet or so it would peak out. My laptop was picking out all the best songs, "Vito's Ordination Song" by Sufjan Stevens standing out in particular. Calming, peaceful, happy, beautiful music. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was happy.
Not happy in the sense that something great just happened. No, perhaps a better word is contentment. Serenity. I thought of Shayne a bit on the trip, but it didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I was able to remember the good times, and when my thoughts began to turn sour I chuckled and was able to change my focus to the good things in my life. But aside from those brief moments, I didn't have to struggle to stay positive. For once, everything was right with the world.
And then it hit me. That's what has changed. It's not that my friends have moved away, or Shayne has left me, or that I'm lonely, or fat, or anything like that. No, it's that I've lost that sense of comfort, of security, of everything being right with the world.
(Don't cha just love the near-daily epiphanies? But I think this one's gonna stick.)
I haven't written too much about this, but all of Junior year I was single, and yet I didn't care at all. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was just fine. I didn't spend too much time with my friends, but I knew where to find them, and I enjoyed the time I did spend with them. I had my computer games, and I was content. I would say the first half of Senior year, when I had Shayne and my memories of the Ned Lamont campaign, I was happier, but still. Getting to where I was Junior year is a good goal - I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was ok with that. I had my ups, my downs, and my midpoints. All in all, it was an above-average year, a year where I was beginning to become comfortable in my skin.
And I'm no longer comfortable in my skin. I haven't felt like I did on that drive in months. I wasn't distracted from my thoughts. I've been happy during this period of depression, but always with the potential to quickly slide back into it. It's hard to describe - it's like I'm at the edge of a vast abyss, standing on a very rickety ledge supported by pills and recent, temporary events. Without those pills, and without those temporary events, I would be in the pits of depression. And I can tell. The happiness itself has a hollow quality about it, like it's tempered by it's fleeting nature.
But today wasn't like that. Today was sure and strong and proud. Today was better. For an hour, I was better. I recognized that feeling afterwards, realized the last time I felt that I was walking down Founders Quad, knowing that everything was ok and that I was in a good place. The natural beauty of the quad, like the natural beauty of that road, would impart a sense of rightness. And whenever I was stressed, or worried, I just needed to walk down that road with a plan in my head, and realize that everything was going to be ok, because I knew where I was, and where I was going.
Well, now I have very rough ideas of both. It's a scary thing. And no, everything doesn't feel fine, it doesn't feel like everything is necessarily going to be ok. Maybe the sudden nature of Shayne's dumping me, or the way I went in a week from a girlfriend and a job to no girlfriend and no job prospects, or how over the course of the past nine months my plan, my knowledge of where I was going, how all that got turned on it's head, maybe these things shook up my sense of the world? The world went from being a good place, a comforting place, to a scary, random place, where pits of horrors could open up in a second? You can never feel safe.
I want to feel safe, secure, sure of myself and the world around me. I realize that might be alot to ask, but it shouldn't be. And those four things are good goals to work towards achieving. I would say right now I'm on track, I have a plan, I just need to start to put that plan into action and internalize the fact that yes, I am ok. Yes, things will work out. Everything will be ok. And most importantly, even if everything isn't, well, that doesn't matter too much, so long as everything's right with the world.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
Albany is a gorgeous city. It reminded me alot of Quebec City really, with a New England twist. Even better though was the drive up. I took Rt. 44 to Rt. 8 north, through Northwestern CT and the Berkshires. It was spectacular. The trees all had just a bit of snow on them, I was driving small windy two-lane roads through mountains and forests, with majestic frozen lakes right next to me. For a while I was following a river, and every hundred feet or so it would peak out. My laptop was picking out all the best songs, "Vito's Ordination Song" by Sufjan Stevens standing out in particular. Calming, peaceful, happy, beautiful music. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was happy.
Not happy in the sense that something great just happened. No, perhaps a better word is contentment. Serenity. I thought of Shayne a bit on the trip, but it didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I was able to remember the good times, and when my thoughts began to turn sour I chuckled and was able to change my focus to the good things in my life. But aside from those brief moments, I didn't have to struggle to stay positive. For once, everything was right with the world.
And then it hit me. That's what has changed. It's not that my friends have moved away, or Shayne has left me, or that I'm lonely, or fat, or anything like that. No, it's that I've lost that sense of comfort, of security, of everything being right with the world.
(Don't cha just love the near-daily epiphanies? But I think this one's gonna stick.)
I haven't written too much about this, but all of Junior year I was single, and yet I didn't care at all. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was just fine. I didn't spend too much time with my friends, but I knew where to find them, and I enjoyed the time I did spend with them. I had my computer games, and I was content. I would say the first half of Senior year, when I had Shayne and my memories of the Ned Lamont campaign, I was happier, but still. Getting to where I was Junior year is a good goal - I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was ok with that. I had my ups, my downs, and my midpoints. All in all, it was an above-average year, a year where I was beginning to become comfortable in my skin.
And I'm no longer comfortable in my skin. I haven't felt like I did on that drive in months. I wasn't distracted from my thoughts. I've been happy during this period of depression, but always with the potential to quickly slide back into it. It's hard to describe - it's like I'm at the edge of a vast abyss, standing on a very rickety ledge supported by pills and recent, temporary events. Without those pills, and without those temporary events, I would be in the pits of depression. And I can tell. The happiness itself has a hollow quality about it, like it's tempered by it's fleeting nature.
But today wasn't like that. Today was sure and strong and proud. Today was better. For an hour, I was better. I recognized that feeling afterwards, realized the last time I felt that I was walking down Founders Quad, knowing that everything was ok and that I was in a good place. The natural beauty of the quad, like the natural beauty of that road, would impart a sense of rightness. And whenever I was stressed, or worried, I just needed to walk down that road with a plan in my head, and realize that everything was going to be ok, because I knew where I was, and where I was going.
Well, now I have very rough ideas of both. It's a scary thing. And no, everything doesn't feel fine, it doesn't feel like everything is necessarily going to be ok. Maybe the sudden nature of Shayne's dumping me, or the way I went in a week from a girlfriend and a job to no girlfriend and no job prospects, or how over the course of the past nine months my plan, my knowledge of where I was going, how all that got turned on it's head, maybe these things shook up my sense of the world? The world went from being a good place, a comforting place, to a scary, random place, where pits of horrors could open up in a second? You can never feel safe.
I want to feel safe, secure, sure of myself and the world around me. I realize that might be alot to ask, but it shouldn't be. And those four things are good goals to work towards achieving. I would say right now I'm on track, I have a plan, I just need to start to put that plan into action and internalize the fact that yes, I am ok. Yes, things will work out. Everything will be ok. And most importantly, even if everything isn't, well, that doesn't matter too much, so long as everything's right with the world.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Random Thoughts
I've got writers' block tonight, so I'm just going to jot down a few random thoughts:
- I don't know why I'm missing Shayne so much lately. Obviously I've been missing her non-stop since we broke up, but the past few days my thoughts have been turning to her more and more. It's frustrating, to say the least, and I do feel powerless.
- Bitches are real bitches. The tech woman at the Nature Conservatory actually requested that next time they need a technician, don't send me. See, she was pissed that the first time I went down, I said everything was fine. Then when it turned out it wasn't fine, it was just a very intermittent problem, I replaced her motherboard and forgot to update the BIOS. Now, without the BIOS update, her computer was fine. But apparently she demanded somebody come down there and update her BIOS, and that it NOT be me. Fine, I don't ever want to see her again. Well, it turns out today Randall, a fellow techie, called the place up, and the actual user of the laptop (not the bitch, she's just the IT person) gave him a "huh? everything's fine!", so Randall didn't come down. Now she's saying, no, Randall's incompetent, send me Joe. Well, you know what bitch? I'm going to Albany tomorrow. So suck it - I'll be back Friday. I hope the BIOS updating software works this time.
- Why is it I feel so lonely? I used to never feel lonely. I think I became very dependent on others when I was with with Shayne, and now I feel... under appreciated, unloved. I know I have a large support network, but I don't know how to use it. Like I said earlier, I just need to stop caring. And yet, I feel like there's something missing in my life, something unfulfilled, and I don't know what it is, or how to fill it.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm stuck on you
Shayne sent me a Facebook message today. She was apparently pissed that I said I was disappointed I wasn't "fucking Shayne." That's fair I guess. I'm sorry. I get crude to depersonalize things, to make it seem less important than it really was.
But as a result, all day she's been in the back of my mind. The thought that she still, months later, reads this blog -- well, it's kinda weird. A little exciting, a little off-putting. I really wish I could get this girl out of my head. Time isn't really working that well.
Jennings' new girl looks and seems just like Shayne. It pisses me off that he gets to start a relationship like that, while I'm trying to get over one. And nothing is really working.
No longer does she drive me crazy, exactly. The thought of her loss and what we could have had doesn't bother me that much anymore. She's more like a song that's stuck in my head. I see something, I think of her. I hear something, I think of her. I can go for hours without thinking of her, but rarely do I go a day without imagining what she would think of some joke I thought up, or how she loved penguins, or how she would call me baby.
It's not obsessive like it used to be. Recently I've even gained the self control to actively attempt to stop thinking about her when she pops into my head. It rarely works though.
This is why I stopped talking to her. If we were still talking, these thoughts would be so much more difficult to control.
Maybe I'll call her mom when I get my phone (with its contacts list) back. Just to see how she's doing. I miss her, alot. I try hard not to, but it seems I can't control it, and I don't know how to curtail it. It's frustrating how much I miss her. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. Right now it's worse.
Maybe just knowing how she's doing will help alleviate this distress. Who am I kidding, no it won't. Hell, maybe I'll just give in this once, just because. Besides, I miss her mom too. She was really sweet to me, like a second mom. I could use her advice right about now.
But as a result, all day she's been in the back of my mind. The thought that she still, months later, reads this blog -- well, it's kinda weird. A little exciting, a little off-putting. I really wish I could get this girl out of my head. Time isn't really working that well.
Jennings' new girl looks and seems just like Shayne. It pisses me off that he gets to start a relationship like that, while I'm trying to get over one. And nothing is really working.
No longer does she drive me crazy, exactly. The thought of her loss and what we could have had doesn't bother me that much anymore. She's more like a song that's stuck in my head. I see something, I think of her. I hear something, I think of her. I can go for hours without thinking of her, but rarely do I go a day without imagining what she would think of some joke I thought up, or how she loved penguins, or how she would call me baby.
It's not obsessive like it used to be. Recently I've even gained the self control to actively attempt to stop thinking about her when she pops into my head. It rarely works though.
This is why I stopped talking to her. If we were still talking, these thoughts would be so much more difficult to control.
Maybe I'll call her mom when I get my phone (with its contacts list) back. Just to see how she's doing. I miss her, alot. I try hard not to, but it seems I can't control it, and I don't know how to curtail it. It's frustrating how much I miss her. It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse. Right now it's worse.
Maybe just knowing how she's doing will help alleviate this distress. Who am I kidding, no it won't. Hell, maybe I'll just give in this once, just because. Besides, I miss her mom too. She was really sweet to me, like a second mom. I could use her advice right about now.
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